Jurassic Park, but all of the raptors are played by Jim Carrey.
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Robber *gun to my head* sign in to your account
Me *wiping tears* I can’t remember my password
Robber: Ask for a hint. And if you cry again, I’ll shoot
Me: ok ok
Computer: What was the name of your first dog?
Me: oh no
Wait one second “Mario Brothers” Implies that Luigi’s name is Luigi Mario and Mario’s name is Mario Mario….What is this I’m smoking again?
The best way to avoid awkward moments with homeless people is to ask them for money before they ask you.
HER: so like, what are you into?
ME: coincidences
HER: no way, me too!
The slow disappearance in forks from the silverware drawer solidifies my fears of an upcoming arms race with my children.
“I can hear my annoying neighbor crying to Adele’s new song as she throws away her empty, clinking beer bottles.”
– my neighbor
termite twitter scares me
Girls don’t like boys, girls like when rabbits yawn & look like they are yelling.
Don’t let Hollywood fool you. I was in an orphanage for 13 yrs and we only broke into a song & choreographed dance twice
Someone pointed out that there are 4 faces carved in the side of this mountain and now I can’t unsee it
Me: “You didn’t tell me that.”
Them: “Yes I did, four times while you were staring at your phone.”
Me (looks up): “I’m sorry, what?”
Kids follow me into every room: Come on guys, give me space
Dog follows me into every room: Awww whOoos mamas lil sidekick
the scariest thing about jeff bezos is that he is impossible to ratatouille
Baby Dinosaur: Mama, are we born just to die?
Dinosaur: No, baby. One day we’ll also become toxic fuels for idiot meat robots
My kids do not talk to me like I’m their best chance of an organ donation.
I’ve been reading your Oscar tweets, and America should not vote on things as a general rule going forward.
me at age 15: (stressed, worried about prom every day)
me now: (carefree, think about prom maybe twice a week tops)
[During sex]
Me: What did you mean the other day when you said I have bad timing?
I’m pretty certain the inventor of the ball gag was someone who had just had sex with a loud talker
People that drive Jeeps will always make a point on how rugged their vehicle is by putting one wheel up on the sidewalk
Relationship status: It’s not complicated I’m just an idiot
[crab overhears the words ‘crab cakes’]
*applauds with tiny crab clawed excitement* oooh cakes for crabs
[crab sees the crab cakes]
oh no. oh god no.
Me, bewildered: “What is this odd thingy?”
H: It’s called a wine stopper.
Me, whisper cries: “Why would anyone want to stop the wine?”
Today a man told me I’m “too pretty to work so hard” so I’ve let my boss know & fingers crossed we can all get on the same page here.
Nine out of ten doctors agree that dying is bad for your health. The other doctor is clad in a dark robe and carrying a scythe.
Awww. It looks like the neighbors are having the police dept over for brunch..
After years of beta testing, my body is ready to launch OS X Cougar.
“I hate seeing you like this,” she thought every time she encountered anyone over the course of the day.
Me: I made you a CD.
Coworker: This says songs you hate for the people you hate.