My almost 3yo drew me a picture and when he gave it to me, I must not have reacted fast enough because he said, “say ‘awwww’ mama.”
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I’m convinced that anytime an employee at a shoe store goes into the back room looking for your size they enter Narnia, romp around for a few hours forgetting about work, and then come back and just tell you no they don’t have your size.
If my body is ever found dead on a jogging trail, just know I was murdered elsewhere and dumped there.
I tried bringing sexy back, but it scratched me, scampered away, and hid under a car.
Thanks for using our drive through. Please park over there and wait 20 minutes and someone will bring out 85% of the stuff you ordered.
Can you die from sitting on the floor to play with your kid, because I just tried to get up and it feels like you can die from it.
Today our 4yo insisted on a large bowl of Golden Grahams, banana, and milk for breakfast, so long story short, my breakfast was 99% of a large bowl of Golden Grahams, bananas and milk
I don’t tweet about my boss because I don’t wanna be a suspect when he disappears.
Gmail: Someone has signed into your account!
Me: Yeah that was me
Gmail: No it was on another device!
Me: Yes my tablet
Gmail: Someone stole your tablet?!
Me: what no
Gmail: CALL THE POLICE
If I ever trip slightly while walking, I make sure to look back and down at the ground so that the people around me know that I’m normally great at walking, but in this particular instance there was something wrong with the ground.
Cashier: Smile!
Me: Worry about your own face.
Me: Your shoes are on the wrong feet baby girl
2: *starts crying* These are my only feet!
Today my toddler is crying because he doesn’t have his stuffed animal. That he put in the fridge. And yelled at me for trying to take it out.
ok hear me out: Luigiana
*gets Ouija board*
Spirits, are there Pringles in the kitchen?
When I was little I would sit with my grampy and we would look out the window together. He would give me sips of his beer and sugar cubes.
Related: I’m now an alcoholic race horse.
[date smiles as I pour more wine] it’s like you’re trying to get me drunk for something brent [me selecting 2 players on mortal kombat] haha
[Me as a gynecologist]
*Knocking on the exam room door*
WOMB SERVICE
say whatever you want about twitter, at least it’s keeping you people off the streets
scary then: a phone call came from inside the house
scary now: a phone call
when I’m sound asleep Sunday morning and someone rings the doorbell
My second account is trying to drive a wedge of suspicion between me and my Twitter crush.
I just want to be rich enough to hire someone whose job is to intercept callers and visitors and say “he’s in no condition to see anyone right now”
Oh my god, my jeans fit! All I have to do is not sit down, not walk, and not breathe. I totally got this.
him: oh sorry I thought you worked here
me, in line at a haunted house: WOW
Me: ‘Anyway, I think the songs here are just kinda made up and pretty terrible.’
Priest: ‘This isn’t how confession works.’
It sucks that boomers got sports cars for their mid-life crisis but I’m probably just gonna start playing World of Warcraft again
*corporate state run media carnival*
Step right up folks, take your bait!
How low can we go, how low can we go? New lows every day!
[Crazed robot bursts into my room and sees my Rage Against the Machine poster]
Me: IT’S NOT WHAT YOU THINK!!!
Of course, because I’m wearing a white shirt, my coffee chose violence.
I would be putting Jesus in my body every night if only he had chosen cookies over bread