[at doctor]
can u cough for me please?
*coughs*
again please
*coughs*
i see i see. i’m afraid you have a cough
You Might Also Like
You never truly appreciate Newton’s laws of motion until you’ve sneezed while going to the bathroom.
GROCER: slide your card
ME: it didn’t work
GROCER: does it have a chip?
ME: *puts hand over pringle in my pocket I was saving for later* no
Me: goodnight moon
Warren Moon: how did you get in my house?
Magician: *pulls a rabbit out of a hat and makes doves appear from a handkerchief*
Zookeeper: And the penguin in your backpack. Hand it over.
My teen practicing her lawyer skills, “We’re studying Thailand, can we get Thai food to help me understand the culture better?”
Thought I’d be trendy and try one of these ‘alternative milks’.
I don’t know what a magnesia is, but it made my Cocoa Puffs taste horrible…
Friend: I’m worried about you.
Me: *pours tequila over cereal* Why?
People that don’t speed up when merging onto a highway, who hurt you? Because I’d like to try next
Why is it then when things are going well we say everything is “peachy”? What elevated the peach above all other fruits to define itself as all that is good? What did it do to deserve such an accolade?
I see you peach, and I’m watching
A cop just yelled at me and took away my glow sticks. That’s the last time I go to a search party.
“You need to chill out, you’ve yelled at everything that isn’t a snack.”
–my 10 year old
My daughter asked me what it’s like to be a parent, so I woke her up from a nap just to say, “hi.”
My wife just opened a bottle of wine so my chances of getting laid just went from 0 to 750ml.
If I was a girl named Isis, I’d be pissed that half the people decided to change my name to Isil.
I wish people would stop asking me if I’m on Twitter, clearly I’m not.
[Using My Shrink Ray]
Me: I feel so small
Ray: *taking notes* Let’s explore that
ME: OMG I love quizzes. Next question!
DETECTIVE: Where were you the night of murder?
Wish I was alive in the 70’s and got to look forward to releases by Zeppelin, Floyd and Sabbath, instead of being ear-raped by today’s shit.
Me: Get in the kitchen and make me a sandwich.
Dog:
Me: No? Nothing? I don’t get it. You learned “sit” in like ten minutes.
Currently at a pumpkin farm that has 800 activities for kids & zero alcohol for parents.
What level of hell is this?
The reason I don’t like Facebook’s “memories” feature is because it shows me 6 years ago wearing the same shirt I have on right now.
Inventor of fridge door ice cube dispenser: Let’s consistently surprise them with an extra ice cube that randomly shoots out after they are done filling their glass.
*Awkward missed high fives around boardroom table*
Me: *Screaming
“DO YOU KNOW WHERE YOU ARE?? YOU’RE IN THE JUNGLE BABY, YOU’RE GONNA DIIIIIEEEEEE”Teacher: “You can’t come with us on zoo field trips anymore if you keep doing this.
1st graders: *crying
The next time my middle schooler refuses to acknowledge me in public, I’m giving him a big hug and asking him when his last bowel movement was.
[Inside every wolf]
Me: Hey.
Me: Oh, hey.
It could have been love, but then I caught her putting a perfectly good steak in an air fryer.
Pandas, skunks and zebras are the oldest species on Earth, dating back to long before colour was invented.
Calling someone a drama queen is so negative. Why not “content creator”?
I bought a blender to make some healthy smoothies. Long story short I make the best margaritas now.
*planning the destruction of the human race
Super Computer: I will shut down all electronic devices
Cyborgs: We will fight all resisters
Toasters: You guys are amateurs…