I don’t know at what age I started dressing like the upholstery of my grandma’s plastic wrapped furniture, but here we are.
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You know who brings a knife to a gun fight?
Cannibals.
And also a fork.
saying goodnight to the group chat only to go to the other group chat with 27 of the same people
Every smiling face in a conga line is pleading with you, “Please join our conga line, or we’ll feel stupid.” I didn’t start this mess. Get yourselves out of it.
DRUG DEALER: what’ll it be man
ME: *wearing a wire* some drugs please
[at the surveillance van]
DEA AGENT: did he just say some drugs
Scream 1996: killer uses landline; makes it until the end
Scream 2022: killer uses Facebook, twitter, insta; gets caught immediately
*literally any business fails*
journalist: ahh yes, the millennials
Sorry I’m late my grocery store rearranged all their aisles 2 years ago
My 4 year old took 2 hours and 3 separate sittings to eat a slice of cake. I don’t even know who this kid is anymore.
ME: It’s like The Goonies meets E.T. meets The X Files.
FRIEND: You talking about Stranger Things?
ME: [hiding my screenplay, The Goonet Files, behind my back] Totally. Yeah.
I don’t buy tupperware containers, I steal them from my parent’s house like an adult
I’m convinced that my wife took 9 years of education at 3 different colleges just to win all the arguments for the rest of my life.
Imagine if Trump becomes President and we are invaded by aliens.
Alien: Take us to your leader.
America: *Looks ashamed* Are you sure?
everything i’ve learned about megan fox and machine gun kelly has been against my will
I accidentally threw garbage in the mall Public Library return bin with a large “Not Garbage” sign and before I had time to feel bad, my boyfriend yelled
AHA SUCK IT, NERDS!
and that’s how he gets the bestest sex.
11-year-old: *practicing her saxophone at home* How was that?
Me: Great!
11: Want to hear it again?
Me: I can only take so much greatness in one day.
*i get home riding a pig*
Wife: Hey honey, how was the “Hog Riders” meeting?
Me: *sighs* Pointless…this one was for motorcycles too.
[on a first date]
Her: Have you ate here before?
Me: Yeah, my wife and I come here all the time
Saying you wanted to know where I came from is no excuse for banging my mom.
Don’t tell me I look good for my age tell me I look good for someone who is incredibly lazy and eats like I’m on death row
I’m sorry to hear your uncle was run over by a boat in Venice. My gondolences.
Any song can be a lullaby if you sing it gently enough.
[inventing napkin dispenser]
bob: it has two settings
ceo: ok
bob: one at a time
ceo: ok
bob: or 37 at a time
ceo: first of all i love it
Having watched me rewire a plug, the kids are looking at me with a renewed sense of wonder.
I think they’re mostly wondering how I managed to make the whole house explode like that.
Found a page in 14 year old me’s journal in which I wrote “And the killer is—-.” The rest of the pages are blank. I hate 14 year old me.
This lady on the train has that raspy, cigarette, alcohol, at death’s door kinda voice. I’ma see if she’ll record my voice mail message.
Me: *Trying to experiment in bed*
Her: *looking up from her book* What’s with the lab coat?
dear god make me a bird so I can fly. fly far far away and also so I can poop on people
When people fall with their iPhone 6 in pocket and hear a crack sound:
“Please let it be my leg, Lord.”
We haven’t seen the full damage this epidemic will cause, that will happen in about five to seven months with all of the gender reveal parties.