Hey you mystery solving kids, your dog talks. Have you ever considered the possibility that he too is a cranky old dude in a rubber mask?
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Betrayal only comes from someone we’re close to. Just like herpes.
coworker: Do you want a plate?
me [carrying 2 pieces of cake out of the break room] For what?
Me: *barges into the room*
How dare you accuse me of eavesdropping!
Let’s put the delete button next to the most important, most used button on this app, lol
~App developers probably
*romantically sprinkles a rose pedal path to the dirty dishes
This tweet was written by M. Night Shyamalan.
I bet you didn’t see that one coming.
INSURANCE REP: I’m afraid you’re going to need more coverage
ME: sorry I couldn’t find my pants this morning
Wait. I thought I was watching Hoarders. Looks like things are heating up!
Friend: How about a play date today?
Me: I’m sorry. My son has practice.
Friend: What kind of practice?
Me: Practicing how to cancel plans.
*aliens land in America*
Alien Captain: Take me to your leader!
Me: *heavy sigh* Listen, Bro…this is kind of embarrassing, but…
“I can’t feel my legs”
–mermaids
A friend had a new baby girl.
Her coworker asked: “What’s her name?”
My friend replied: “Melanie Noelle.”
Her coworker: “How do you spell it, then?”
“No YOU’RE a nerd” I say, as I finish carving my cheddar cheese Millennium Falcon
My dog’s pissed cos I buy him Senior food. He won’t admit he’s older now. So I scratch out the “i” on each can & tell him it’s Mexican food.
Sometimes sorry seems to be the hardest word, but usually it’s antidisestablishmentarianism.
Then: He has a woman in each port.
Now: He has a woman on each server.
The best way to prepare for Motherhood is to put Dora on TV for 9 months, set your alarm for every 45 minutes and throw food on your floors.
When you think about it, Carry On My Wayward Son is very poor parenting advice. It should be more Reign It In Douchebag You’re Upsetting Your Mom but that wouldn’t sell records I suppose.
Me: [getting ready for work]
Teen [stumbling out of bedroom]: Can you keep it down? I’m on vacation.
Me:
Teen: [returns to bedroom]
Me: [starts reorganizing baking pans]
Lorde wrote her Grammy nominated album at age 14. My son is 13 and has let the bathtub overflow twice while he was sitting INSIDE of it.
Text your dad “egg salad sandwich” four times in one day. He’ll probably think his phone is broken.
Opening twitter feels like visiting a recently abandoned house – you can still see how things have been but every now and then a picture falls from the wall and no one bothers to look what’s causing the weird smell in the kitchen
Overheard on the bus:
“Stop eavesdropping on our conversation, it’s creepy and you won’t get any funny tweets out of it”
“I will eat 3 oreos” I say to myself, bringing the bag
i was a competitive fencer in high school and spent 20+ hours a week training and many weekends at tournaments, which absolutely destroyed any chance of a social life. thats right. i can literally say “when you were partying, i studied the blade”
growing up, my dad had a doctor friend who he would always call instead of taking us to the ER and then i became an adult and realized that the doctor friend was a dermatologist
ugh he wants to go hiking as a first date, just like hitler
Fun fact: the person who said “If you love something let it go” died alone, surrounded by 342 cats.
Them: dating isn’t hard you just gotta put yourself out there
Me: ok got it
If Wile E. Coyote really wanted to destroy the Road Runner, he should have just proposed.