Hot Panini is in big trouble
You Might Also Like
My husband just walked in on me getting a pretty intimate backrub from this one wall corner in the kitchen and suggested we get a room.
Hey, sexy. Wanna merge our DNA and make mini versions of ourselves who will never give us a moment’s peace and destroy all our stuff?
My trainer says not to drink beer bc it makes you fat.
So tonight I’ve had a six pack of red wine.
My 5yo is demanding I tell him where he lived when mommy and daddy were kids
non-violent communication is so important in a relationship! instead of:
“you never take out the trash”
try:
“i FEEL like the spreadsheet i’ve kept for the last six months indicates you only took the trash out 3.2% of the time”
{Couples Counseling}
THERAPIST: Tell me what you love most about each other.HER: He’s so kind.
ME: If we don’t have cheese she goes and buys cheese.
Find someone who holds onto you as tightly as the twitter algorithm does that subject you clicked on once 6 months ago
My neighbor just pulled into his driveway with a new washer and dryer and now he’s headed this way …. So this gives me about 4 seconds to dislocate my shoulder.
A newly wed guy asked me about marriage. I told him it’s sort of like a museum. You have to be quiet and you can’t really touch anything.
*As the Titanic sinks*
Bandleader: Next, we’d like to play something off our new album
Guy clinging to railing: BOOOOOOO
People who don’t use contractions scare the shit out of me. “I will be there” okay with what a machete
This hasn’t helped my bull get any sleep at all. In fact, the closer I get to him with the bulldozer, the more agitated he gets.
Hot chick without makeup: her beauty is so effortless & carefree
Me without makeup: why is that very sick grandma not in a home
[bank robbery]
Me: this is a hold up
[later at the police station]
Cop: wait, so you weren’t one of the robbers?
Me: [just likes to say what things are] this is a police station
I think Jesus would have killed it at water skiing
Texting my boss to let him know how excited I am for work tomorrow
One time my teacher was telling a story about war and the girl in front of me slowly opened her laptop and liked Downy on Facebook.
First, there was Planking, then Owling and Milking, now there’s Harlem Shaking. If the next trend could be Thinking, that would be great.
son: I don’t think he likes me
wife: your dad just has a hard time showing affection
me: [holding bag of doritos] GOD I LOVE DORITOS
ME: [putting a condom on]
HER: it doesn’t go on me
thunderbolt and lightning
very, very frightening me
(mashed potatoes) mashed potatoes
(mashed potatoes) mashed potatoes
Last night I couldn’t sleep at all, just lying wide awake
“Oh, insomnia?”
No, in bed you idiot. Where the hell is Somnia?
the beatles: all you need is love
haddaway: I have a question
“LMAO WHO DID THIS” — me as a homicide detective
Ex: Do you ever think of someone else when we have sex?
Me: No, it’s always George Clooney.
fixed it
Flex on the Average Person by eating 9 Spiders a Year
Dr: Have you been exercising?
Me: I’ll take blatant lies for $200, Alex
Don’t tell me I don’t know about sacrifice. I mix the ends of cereals into one bowl so my family can open new boxes. Without my appetite for disgusting mixtures, they’d fall apart.
Me: this whole quarantine thing has caused me to use my phone so much more. my phone case feels super grimy and sticky.
Husband: are…are you using your phone to spread peanut butter?
Me, licking case: and jam.