Stopped the microwave at 0:01 AND stopped the gas pump at an even $50.00!
*Adds Bomb Squad Specialist to resume.
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*blows perfect Jesus fish with cigarette smoke*
The American flags on the moon have been bleached white from 44 years of solar radiation. If aliens ever attack, we’ve already surrendered.
I’ve been looking for F35 on my keyboard for over an hour, I give up.
[elevator doors r closing, i see a woman running to get on. i push the close door button because i gotta be on time for an interview. i get there exactly at 2 and sit down. a few min later the interviewer walks in. it’s the woman from the elevator]
her: *glares*
me: you’re late
me: what makes you angry
pirate: when someone steals my p
the twelve days of christmas is completely unrealistic there is no way that you’re still accepting gifts from someone after four days of birds
Once I get my tourettes under control, it’s over for you twitches
Well I guess it’s time to learn my kids’ names.
BANK EMPLOYEE: what if we stayed open later than 5:30?
CEO: that’s the dumbest shit i’ve ever heard
OTHER BANK EMPLOYEE: how bout a sign outside that displays the temperature 24/7
CEO: first of all, promoted
Sorry, but Apple making driverless cars isn’t breaking news. It’s been going on ever since they introduced the iPhone.
At Dairy Queen:
Me: Medium Heath Blizzard please.
DQ: You wanna spoon?
Me: Sure, when do you get off?
*seductively moistens your lips with the meatloaf
Very funny, whoever wrote WASH ME in the dust on my box of condoms.
Did you know that your iPad has a built in bathroom scale app? Go ahead, try it.
So we’re agreed: if that balloon flies over any of us, we moon it like it’s 1978
*stands up in the middle of a quiet library*
FAKE NOODLES ARE CALLED IM-PASTAS
Tonite’s SuperMoon is Super versus October’s FullMoon only if you think 16.05inch pizzas are Super relative to 16inch pizzas
Me: *watching the driver of the hearse in front of us jump out, race to the back, open the door, peek in, and slam it shut* Well that’s disconcerting.
Son: Nah, it would be disconcerting if he ran away from the hearse.
Them: Can you recommend a show for me?
Me: Captain Caveman?
Them: Maybe something more for adults?
Me:
Them: Sorry.
Daughter: are ghosts real?
Me: no.
Daughter: grandma told me ghosts are real.
Me: honey, grandma passed away before you were bor-wait.
Brain: What day of the week did the 1st calendar day ever fall on? Do the math!
Me: Seriously?! It’s 2AM and I’m leading a meeting tomorrow
Flight Attendant: Is anyone here a doctor?!
Me: *shoving my way to the front* no
Stuck in traffic but luckily few people are beeping their horns so we’ll be moving any second now.
*Secretly hands your kid a Sharpie*
“So tell me more about that homemade all-natural organic cleanser.”
“Women & Children first” i yell heroically from the Dentist’s waiting room
The only way an adult coloring book could help calm my stress is if it was somehow edible.
My 8yo just reasoned that I should clean up the mess from her craft project because I was the one who suggested she do the craft project.
Laziness level: expert.
Gandalf: Frodo, you have the fortitude to carry the ring and resist its power.
Frodo: *puts the ring on twice in one hour*
Gandalf: ffs
[skydiving with my dog]
Me: ur ears r inside out
My dog: can’t hear u my ears r inside out
Me: it’s the wind
My dog: I think it’s the wind