[planning a family vacation]
Me: …then we’ll get a bus between the cities.
Kids: Yayy, cool!
Wife: That’s quite some distance, how long’s this bus?
M: About 45 feet, I guess
W: I despise you
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A grown man smelling like baby powder stood next to me today.
My maternal instincts have never been so confused.
space horror is the best horror. what’s out there? no one knows! big rocks. creepy things. sticky things. math! stuff on fire. big holes. big holes with math in them.
This holiday season, make sure to confront your family about current issues like for example: how they choose to pronounce “pecans”.
TOP 5 PAINFUL THINGS:
5: relationship breakup
4. going to prison
3. disease diagnosis
2. death of a loved one
1.
Wasn’t wearing my glasses at the park and bent down to pet some guy’s gym bag. How’s your night going?!
WHY would you be happy about this?
I be hella fake at work using words I never use in my real life like “awesome”
*i look my lawyer dead in the face*
I said ask him.
*lawyer stands up*
Your honor my client would like to know where you got that robe.
[taco bell 2am]
*lethally stoned*
me: “nine cheesy crunchy chupacabras”
I’d like to visit the Grand Canyon again, but this time – there’s no way I’m going down on a donkey
Cashier: That’ll be 15 clams.
Me: *opening cooler full of shellfish* Do you have change for a lobster?
Viagra shipment stolen. Police are looking for hardened criminals
[pitching movie]
“It’s Titanic…”
Go on
“from the iceberg’s perspective”
holy shit
I don’t often find an occasion to work the word “repugnant” into casual conversation, but you’ve inspired me.
Sick of the media always blaming video games for the rise in fantastical jewel-seeking quests.
I AM THE MAN OF THIS HOUSE AND WHAT I SAY GOES in one ear and out the other.
Email: You are invited to a virtual—
Me: Nope.
8: “You know how Makayla and Abby are our cousins?”
Me: “Yeah”
8: “Did you know that WE’RE also THEIR cousins?!”
I’m 25, which means I’m just as far from 10 as I am from 40.
Although, in terms of money and maturity, I’m still way closer to 10.
I can only listen to Russian classical music after drinking creamy tea too fast.
The chai cough’s key
My child: Mom, there’s a monster under my bed.
Me: “That’s impossible, they’re all running for president right now.”
If you blast Foreigner’s “I Want To Know What Love Is”, the naked old guys in the gym locker room cover up pretty damn quick.
2yo: Me sick *sneezes in my face*
Me: Oh good, what fun plague am I going to catch now?
“Men are pigs” – misandrist &/or world’s worst biologist
*gestures to my unmown yard*
“I’m choosing to let my yard grow wild, to help the pollinators.”
*waves at a stack of dirty dishes*
“This, too, is for the pollinators.”
*trips over a pile of dirty laundry”
“Pollinators.”
If I were going to the Met Gala, I would do one of those costumes where it looks like someone’s carrying you.
If we got paid for how many tweets we put out, some of you would be millionaires in mansions.
I’d be living in Government Assisted Housing.
The hardest things to say:
(1) I need help
(2) Worcestershire
I have been successfully sitting in chairs for over 40 years without falling off–a skill I apparently didn’t pass on to my boys.
Do I want the coronavirus? No. Would I exploit the shit out of it with a daily vlog series titled “Going Viral” were I to catch it? The answer may (not) surprise you.