centipede: *gets down on one knee*
girlfriend: omg
centipede: *puts down second knee*
girlfriend: uhm…okay
centipede: *puts down third knee*
girlfriend: please stop
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ME: I’ll take that angry cantaloupe.
FRUIT STALL VENDOR: You mean the pineapple?
40% of North American teens can’t even find ISIS on a map. Talk about ignorant
(At the bar)
Woman: Hi, I think I’ve seen you somewhere before.
Me: Must be Twitter
Her: Did you say Tinder?
Me: Ya know, maybe that was it
Pee your name in the snow and you’ll quickly understand why they teach cursive in our schools.
i don’t want to get up. i want to stay in bed until the day my grandson wins tickets to a chocolate factory
I’ll bet Timmy would never have fallen down that well if his parents would’ve coughed up the money for a HUMAN instead of a dog babysitter.
[inventor of the mirror]
“That wall doesn’t look enough like me”
I’ll host Thanksgiving if I can wear a bejeweled pantsuit and throw a wine glass at a painting while saying, “Goddammit, Daniel, nobody cares about your novel.”
I made a resolution to eat better and exercise in the new year but didn’t specify which year I was referring to.
KID: I’m starting to feel like I’ll never find a Coke with my name on it
MOM: Just keep looking, Dangquestrious
TRUMP: if elected i’ll build a protective wall. I’ll call it the great wall
*advisor whispers in his ear*
i’ll call it the really great wall
Me: Hey, am I too wrinkly?
Child: You’re old, that’s going to happen.
Me: I MEANT MY SHIRT.
ME: Okay, what exactly do you think bulls look like?
GUY WHO CAME UP WITH THE CONSTELLATIONS: 1 straight line and 2 bendy ones. That’s bulls.
In the next Mad Max movie instead of fighting over gasoline they should be fighting over toilet paper.
Just realized the little piggy that went to market was NOT just going shopping so I’mma need to shut it down for a day.
I’m in the South. I’m the only one who ordered vegetables with my dinner.
Terrorist Threat Level: Porcupine
Dating tip: Men always remember the woman who vomited on them.
*At a clothing store*
Worker: Do you need any help sir?
Me: *Mixes “No, I’m good” & “No, I’m just looking”*Me:”No, I’m just good looking”
my street gang has been walking down the street snapping our fingers in unison for like 3 days, we all forgot why we were doing it
to revive an exhausted bee, leave out a little bit of sugar mixed with water
to revive an exhausted wasp, give it a cigarette and ask it if it really believes that god can kill it
so APPARENTLY if u donate a kidney you’re some big hero but if u donate 9 kidneys ppl get very upset
I put the h in mysterious.
A coworker just asked me how I stay so thin so I responded “I don’t post pictures of my food online” and I think she believed me.
i think anyone who has ever had beautiful styled hair or tried to hold a big pile of leaves in their hands will know the trouble a gust of wind can cause.
Got electrocuted while fixing the doorbell, and now I can hear my girlfriend’s thoughts. She’s thinking she should have called an electrician.
When people ask me if I’m working hard or hardly working, I wanna punch them in the face and ask if they’re hurting hard or hardly hurting.
Once you’ve had a bug on you everything is a bug on you for the rest of the day.
Sing me a song you’re the piano man / clean out my pool you’re the gardener /now light up my room you’re a ceiling fan
Why aren’t these people with Ebola doing the ice bucket challenge? Don’t they want to get better?