I never related to movies as a kid. Like in Home Alone when Kevin says to his Mother “I am upstairs you dummy” I couldn’t understand how he was still alive after that.
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I don’t want a Ghostbusters sequel about the grandchildren of the Ghostbusters. I want a Ghostbusters prequel about Slimer when he was alive.
Babies love to shake things, but hate to be shaken. It’s like, pick a side, babies.
This Prius we rented is pretty sweet. It can go 0-60 in 6 hours.
I’ve made 2 terrible decisions in my life and they’re both outside throwing rocks at the new neighbors.
Netflix says not to watch Ted Bundy alone so do any nice, strange men wanna come over and watch with me to make sure I don’t get too scared?
toast doesn’t talk how do you know it’s french
mom had nothing to worry about
Sorry dinner is so late, honey. I accidentally bought individually wrapped rice again.
-My cat will ONLY drink from a slightly running faucet and she rubs her gums along the side of it.That’s the faucet I brush my teeth from. So basically I’ve made out with my cat.
Therapist: [Puts her pen down. Rubs the bridge of her nose]
me: can we go to the steakhouse?
him: stop calling the barn that. you’re making the cows nervous
Dear Jesus- please let all my texts go to the correct person- Amen
my google searches after a couple nephews came over for lunch
– when did competitive farting become a thing
– can humans or dogs die from fart clouds
– bean-free chili recipes
I bought one of those endless magician handkerchiefs and boy, is my proctologist gonna earn his copay tomorrow
Give a man a fish and he will think, “what a creepy gift.”
Teach a man to fish and he will think, “My god, I have never known such boredom.”
the worst kind of twitter bio is something like “katie’s husband. father to jenny” i don’t know who that is, dip shit
Whenever I have a panic attack I put a paper bag over my mouth & once I’m done drinking the alcohol inside I feel a lot better.
My kids refused to eat the leftover tacos.
My wife said to throw them out.
So I did.Now I don’t know what to do with the tacos….
OMG, he’s almost here.
How’s my hair?
My clothes?
How do I look?(knock, knock)
He’s here!!!!
I’m so excited!*My pizza delivery guy.
HER: If you could have any pet—
ME: Panda.
HER: Wow. Okay, what would you name—
ME: Pandrew.
After my virtual doctors appointment I had a nap so good that I forgot I was in Vegas, woke up, and scared the shit outta myself.
Me at 1 day pregnant: omg the baby is craving a vacation in the south of France
I don’t lock my car doors, so if someone wants to steal my egg mcmuffin wrappers, Sonic happy hour cups and 47 cents, they’re welcome to it.
“Omg there’s a picture of him blowing smoke out of his mouth. I must bang him this instant”- no one, ever.
My girlfriend just explained to me that people can’t actually go through black holes, and now I don’t really care about space anymore.
When my niece told me she knew Santa didn’t exist, I panicked and told her I never lied, it’s just he’d recently died from Coronavirus. Totally saved it.
[narrating a commercial for therapy]
“For a 100 bucks an hour we’ll blame your mother.”
Me: I have a Black Belt
Her: Karate?
Me: Faux leather. 40”
the guy at the liquor store didn’t card me and it hurt my feelings so I said I was a cop and idk what to do next we’re just standing here
Nothing guarantees running into someone you know in public better than looking like a feral animal on two hours of sleep.
If you pencil in your eyebrows just right, coworkers will not attempt to talk to you
*Puts on angry eyebrows*