CAR SALESMAN: How can I help you?
ME: I’m looking to immediately lose money on a terrible investment.
CAR SALESMAN: That’s my specialty.
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PRIEST: 1st the groom’s vows.
ME: *Unfolds notes* I’m only doing this for the cake.
PRIEST: That’s not really-
HER: That’s what I wrote too.
Poking holes in your parents condoms so there’s someone else to do the dishes
COP: Can you describe the man who shot you?
ME: He seemed mad
5-year-old: My teacher said this project needs adult supervision.
Me: OK, what do you need me to do?
5-year-old: Go find Mom.
teacher: how long ago did the dinosaurs go extinct?
me: *extreme staind voice* it’s been awhile–
they should invent a device that lets other people comprehend how stupid I know them to be
The key to a really good breakup is just to think “What would Meg Ryan do?” Sure, you’ll still be a sad, sniffling, anxious mess, but now you’ll be an adorable, sad, sniffling anxious mess.
I’m too immature for adultery.
Dear guy backing into that tiny parking space.
You’re not Jason Bourne. You don’t need a rapid egress contingency plan for Costco.
The universe contains protons,neutrons,electrons and morons.
Men and women CAN be just friends. But only if one of them is ugly.
me: the best things in life are free!
lawyer: again, I don’t think the bank you robbed sees it that way
My sister sent me a pic of her wedding dress and said it looked better on to which I asked on what, fire?
I don’t want anti-wrinkle cream, I want a serum that bestows wrinkles upon my enemies.
ME: What’s in the bag?
FRIEND: A bicycle helmet for my kid.
ME: When I was a kid, we didn’t wear helmets, and we turned out just fine.
FRIEND: Well, you know-
ME: When I was a kid, we didn’t wear helmets, and we turned out just fine.
FRIEND: …
ME: What’s in the bag?
A girl who can wear a baseball hat is hot. Unless it’s a team I hate. In that case, she’s probably a whore.
Sorry I dropped you during the trust fall, I was going through your phone.
yeah i’d have thought so, he’s a cat
*experiencing the extremely obvious consequences of my actions*
The universe is so mysterious
microdosing lsd to gain a creative advantage at my job as a subway sandwich artist
“Damn girl are you?” -Existentialist pick-up line
Waiter – I’m Matt & I’ll be taking care of you
Me – You say that now Matt but what about when times get tough
Wife – Give us a few minutes
doctor: any history of cataracts in the family?
patient: yes, on my mother’s side
doctor: interesting [takes notes] people normally get it in their eyes
[Googling]
How many calories in a glass of white wine?
*45 minutes later*
[Googling]
How many calories in a bottle of white wine?
DEVIL ON ONE SHOULDER: stay in bed
ANGEL ON THE OTHER: go to work
YODA ON MY BACK: get up, so heavy you are
Haters gonna hate. And hater stabbers gonna hater stab.
Springsteen: baby we were born to run
Springsadult: let’s just take a cab
one time i couldn’t go to church because i was too busy describing a grilled cheese sandwich to a police sketch artist
*Rubs lamp*
*Nothing happens*
Where’s the genie?
*Takes off lampshade*
What’s wrong with this thing?
Remember that great stick you found that one summer when you were a kid? You carried it everywhere. The bark worn smooth with constant handling. It made the perfect WOOSH sound when you swung it hard. It made you feel so strong.
Man, I wish they still made sticks.