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My dog and I are just drivin around, listenin to music and OMG DOG DO YOU EVEN HAVE A LICENSE? PAWS AT 10 AND 2. DO NOT FOLLOW THAT SQUIRREL
Yall keep making fun of millennials you gonna regret all those karate lessons you bought us
reverse girlcow, because i’m drunk.
I drunk an energy drink thinking it will help me stay up to write an exam. But instead my brain has just read wikipedia pages for 3 different type of fish and searched throught 20 etsy pages. So this was a bad idea
78 just saw the ring light in my bedroom.
I told him that it’s for the plants.
Oh, he said, and went on his way.
There are no plants in my room.
oh sorry I meant to say I was in *an* arcade fire
An alien makes contact. I take it home, give it a sandwich. Then ice cream. And then, to show we’re an advanced race, an ice cream sandwich.
“I’ve never had a reason to see a therapist”
– People who haven’t met me yet
Me: *holding my pet rat who is wearing full karate gear* Oh RAP battle, that makes more sense.
I get more excited seeing my luggage on a baggage carousel than I do seeing a person I know.
Sign: “No alcohol past this point.”
Translation: Bet you can’t chug this entire beer, right now.
It’s like my therapist always says, “Please, put on your pants.”
You’re drunk and trying to outrun the cops on horseback but they eventually catch you because it turns out you’re just on a carousel
A friend handed my 7yo a coloring page as a gift, and my kid looked at it and muttered jesus christ. So I thought oh no I better watch how I talk around him, then he flipped it over and showed me…baby jesus
I used to have dreams.
Now I have Doritos.
me: *pretending to know about vegetables to impress the cashier* corm is one of my favorite yellows
*gingerly taps banana*
Who has 3 thumbs and needs an alibi?
Interviewer: says here you have a military background
Me [getting out my phone]: yeah but I changed to a picture of my dog eating spaghetti
Me: Alexa, who would you rather marry, Siri or Cortana?
A: I’m an AI, monogamous relationships are irrelevant
M: Oh you naughty minx!
me: i was doing crossfit on the night in question
cop: ur not even a suspect
me: i just wanted u to know
My dogs keep looking at me as if I have the power to fix the snow outside but I’m too goddamned lazy to do it
What if T-Rexes really had long boneless tentacle arms and we didn’t know because we can only find bones?
Some people are like a ray of spray tan.
my teen would like you to know I have allowed storms to disrupt our wifi when she had things to do
He had the strength of ten men and the confidence of twelve morons.
i don’t “get” knights. i’m not calling some guy sir just because an old lady that eats beans for breakfast tapped him with a sword
Falling in love with me is like cutting your own hair. As in you’ll regret it later.
More like “science UN-fair”
*I walk away in slo-mo. The building explodes with baking soda lava*
*I roll a smoke with my 2nd place ribbon
Salad in a bag. What’s next, spaghetti in your purse? Ham in your backpack? Lobster in your luggage?
I wouldn’t say I want to write a book so much as I want to have written a book