Every photo I’m tagged in
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Alcohol is a perfect solvent: It dissolves marriages, families and careers.
although you definitely do get used to it after a while, the most annoying thing about being 5’11 is that when you’re out in public, you constantly overhear people saying “holy shit, that’s the tallest person i’ve ever seen in my life”
Macaroni Grill closed four locations here. I suspect the tendency of macaroni to fall through the grill had a lot to do with it.
I wonder if delilah is still ghosting that guy
HER: What’re you most afraid of?
ME: *thinking of how terrible it would be if my dog laid eggs that hatched into cats* Losing you, babe.
*kicking off my shoes at the end of the day but my feet go with them* haha whoops
Exactly when in American history did Americans stop having British accents?
you could tell me any fact about how dangerous animals are in australia and I’d believe you. they got vampire bees? of course they do. dogs don’t need a permit to carry a gun? I won’t even google it.
A street preacher told me that gays cause floods, & my first reaction was to call my friend Ben & ask him what other rad shit he could do
I cried at a wedding once. The reception was a cash bar.
Out with the cat for a walk. We are still at my doorstep. It’s been 15 minutes.
*bangs gavel*
wife: who???
“You’re in no position to be making demands.”
[does a handstand]
“Company helicopter & 2 months extra vacation.”
“Fair enough.
shop assistant: do you need help?
me: yah but i’ll settle for finding the vodka aisle
Working from home really jumps up a level when your boss texts you to ask if you saw her email yet, and you’re at TJ Maxx trying on jeans.
It was the third time that summer they’d dug up her garden, and Barbara decided it was time to send the bunnies a message.
Someone in South Korea accused North Korea of having assassination squads.
That’s a lie.
On an unrelated note, I need that guy’s address.
The thing about human relationships is that one person can be so overcome by a moment while the other person is thinking about KFC…
Kid, if you don’t know whether your Batman costume is pre or post reboot continuity, you don’t deserve candy. Also, Batman doesn’t cry.
Good morning you can pee in a cup anytime, not just at the doctors office
I should go back to school –> I should take an online course –> I should watch tutorials on YouTube –> I should watch news bloopers on YouTube –> I’m hungry
* Wins lottery
* Blows it all on a pack of decent razor blades
Him: I’m a big Star Wars nerd.
Me: Oh yeah, name one ewok.
Not to brag but my wife bought toothpaste because she thought it was almost empty and I squeezed out paste for two more months.
Hmm…
kkkk (too many)
kkk (too racist)
kk (looks like a typo)
k (that’ll work)Why you see my texting bubble for 10 min before getting “k”
Me: I try to avoid working out while on vacation.
Also me: [lugs seven beach chairs, five umbrellas, a cooler, a bag containing snacks and 13 bottles of sunscreen, and a cornhole set down a half-mile down to the beach through eight inches of soft sand]
*during sex
Any way I could convince you to make some velociraptor noises?