A good response to any question is “what do you plan to do with this information”, especially at a McDonald’s drive-through
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There is a lot of tension between bed and productivity today.
It wouldn’t kill this religion to throw a virgin in a volcano every now & then.
Anyway, thats why they removed the suggestion box from Mass
What people don’t know about me is, when I say “No worries!” There’s a hidden comma in the middle 😓
Ladies, other women should be our allies, not our enemies. Nobody understands the heart of a woman like another woman. You’re still pretty.
Buzzfeed will be the death of journalism intellect.
My son told me there’s a wee boy who comes into his room at night & plays with him.
A shiver ran down my spine, then I remembered I have another son & it’s probably him
#MyExerciseRoutineInvolves carrying a grudge for 20 years
What if Cookie Monster was censored and this whole time he has been talking about boobies instead of cookies?
Everything I learned about the Kardashians, I learned against my will.
Just because I’m Irish doesn’t mean I am always drunk. It means I always want to be.
batman: i caught the penguin
judge: bail is set for $0
batman: isn’t he a flight risk?
judge:
batman: oh right
Dog: I have mange
Baby Jesus: I have manger
Dog: It’s not a competition
Mary had a little lamb.
The doctor fainted.
I was trying to be fancy using a pepper grinder and now I’m just exhausted from the manual labor
Each time my husband yells for the Warriors an angel (me) uses his credit card.
Boss: This is the 3rd time I’ve seen you slacking off today. Do you know what that means?
Me: You want me to move the couch into my office?
Person: Do you like using a wheelchair?
Me: I tried using a recliner, but it was useless for transportation.
Do you think it’s weird that the only reason we still have landlines is so cops in movies can wake each other up in the middle of night?
My two teenagers are very different. My son always wants money, whereas my daughter prefers the convenience of my credit card.
Almost quitting time…Cheers!🥂
DO GUYS EVEN KNOW HOW TO BE GENTLEMEN ANYMORE?
Open doors for her
Carry her bags
Pull out a chair for her
Place your expensive jacket over mud puddles
Punch out her other suitors
Hang her father from his ankles so he knows who’s Daddy now
Hire hit-men on her exes
Buy her flowers
I’m caught between needing new glasses and having already seen too much.
The clinic won’t give me any more emotional support spiders since I already swallowed 8 of them this year.
I bought beard oil yesterday, so now I have to pick a favorite IPA.
Whenever someone says “I don’t have a horse in that race” I respond with “You don’t have a horse at all, Reggie. You have a cat & diabetes.”
My alarm went off way too early today. I tried hitting the snooze button but as it turns out – my kid bites.
I just searched for a picture of “desserts” and a photo of grapes popped up. What kind of sick person has grapes for dessert?
Documentaries not only expand my world views, but also compel me to change my behavior for a solid 24-36 hours.
I accidentally heated my Hot Pocket for 20:00 instead of 2:00 and now there’s a giant radioactive Hot Pocket in my apartment watching my tv
“How do you sleep at night!”
Usually on my side facing the door.