My sister’s boyfriend is visiting from England and we’re going to the driving range. What are the English rules of golf. Do I have to fight him or what.
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This orange juice says shake well before drinking.
*shakes juice and puts back in fridge then opens beer
[morning after getting drunk]
age 23: did i make out with that guy
age 36: did i wash my face
From now on when you see me use the word “variants” know that I’m referring to my children.
They say nothing rhymes with orange. I must be pronouncing it wrong.
Murdered!? Give our law firm a call today!
Annoying how when you go to the orchestra, there’s always that one wasted dude up front swaying and waving his arms around the whole time
TINDER SHOULD SHOW YOU WHAT AGE RANGE UR MATCHES ARE OPEN TO WHAT IF I MATCH WITH A GROWN MAN WHO HAS HIS PREFERENCES DOWN TO 18 HOLY SHIT NO BUENO
[sheriff’s office]
me: we found a body in the woods but it’s decayed beyond recognition
deputy: can’t you identify it using dental records
me: ordinarily we would but the town dentist has been missing for over a month now
me: *smoking a pipe* I remember when all this was fields
farmer: wtf have you done?!
This weather better stop actin like my teenager’s mood
I see that my reputation for using just slightly the wrong word proceeds me.
Instead of telling people to drive safely, tell them you had a dream that they died in a car crash. Then to avoid looking crazy, say “I don’t believe in those things, so it’s probably nothing, don’t worry.”
They will drive… super carefully.
[funeral]
WIFE: remember, don’t be stupid
ME: *to widow* I’m sorry u lost your husband
WIDOW: thank you
ME: do u want me to go look for him
Look, I respect the skill. But no.
Ran down the stairs without a bra on and my husband thought I was clapping. I was not. I was not clapping.
One drink, I feel glamorous
Two, I get amorous
Three, a bit stammerous
Anymore than four, I’m on the floor,
all drooly and hammerous
Just noticed there’s no comma in “Bed Bath & Beyond” and honestly, a bed bath would solve a lot of my problems.
Apparently when your wife asks you to get your toddler off your bed she doesn’t mean knock him off with a pillow
It’s actually the voices outside my head that irritate me the most.
I work with my husband, so we can write off marital counseling as a business expense, right?
They say diffusing essential oils can help relieve stress………THEY DON’T TELL YOU THAT YOU GET STRESSED OUT FIGURING OUT WHAT ONES!
Watching Celebrity Jeopardy must be stressful for the people who run the charities. Imagine missing out on $30,000 because Christopher Meloni doesn’t know his state capitals.
Hate when you’re walking behind someone & want to pass them & then they start the “drift” & you both crash into a shelf of glass figurines.
Is the economy struggling? Have you tried telling it to work harder and cut back on luxuries?
*gets a paper cut opening a bill*
Ah, yes, capitalism.
in my backyard: if I see even one bug I’m going inside
on a hike: I want to pet that bear
If you wear a mask you look like a cool Mortal Kombat character and people will want to do sex to you
me: make me the coolest guy
genie: ok all guys are now hotter than u
me: son of a
God: when they’re stressed their hair will start to fall out
Angel: nice, like the unsightly body hairs they hate?
God: lol no no no, the hair on their head
Angel: [under breath] i miss satan