CHEF: Someone needs to prepare the chicken
ME: I’ll do it *sits chicken down* look dude, this isn’t gonna be a good day for you
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sick of fancy drinks with simple syrup. if you are gonna charge me $15, i want complicated syrup. this mojito better frame me for murder
I used to worry about offending people’s moms on facebook but now they all post memes like “I chug vodka to keep from drowning my children”
My favorite pizza place burned down last night so I guess this is the beginning of my weight loss journey.
PARENTING TIP: Never, at any time or under any circumstance, say yes.
[man who won the lottery]: here’s why i think buying lottery tickets is the future of finance 👇🧵
This staff meeting could have been a haiku.
Wife: Let’s watch Netflix.
Me: Ok. [starts movie]
Wife: [sleeping]
Me [pausing]: OMG we are two seconds into it.
Wife: What?
Me: You’re sleeping.
Wife: I’m not sleeping. Press Play.
Me: [presses Play]
Wife: [sleeping]
Hello 911.
“He’s back what do I do?”
Brent?
“Yes”
It’s the just the mailman remember
“Ok, sorry.”
Bye
“Wait, he put something in my mailbo
when someone references the Ottoman Empire and i picture a bunch of Turks, with their feet up, relaxing.
I was getting mad in traffic earlier and my 3-year-old said “all you can do is calm down and let the cars go” and now I have a therapist.
When the ex saw 2 wine glasses in my sink, I hope he thought, “she shared a bottle w/ a hot guy” not “drinking alone 2 nights in a row”
On my last flight I watched a woman in front of me pull out her hair and eat it until I fell asleep. Can’t do that in first class.
A baby is a horrible paper weight because it just keeps rolling off the desk.
[job interview]
How would you improve our business?
“Dude, I’d bankrupt you in a week. I’m just catchin Pokemon in your office.”
I can turn a case of beer into a drunk man. Your move, Jesus.
Tom Cruise has signed on for Mission Impossible V. His impossible mission is trying not to show up on everyone’s gaydar.
Instead of voter fraud, why don’t they just call it Electile Dysfunction?
ad for vacations:
how would you like to feel extremely tired somewhere else
Genie: I will grant you one wish
Me: I wish to be healthy and fit in both body and mind
Genie: I said a wish, not a miracle
2019: no carbs
2020: eats a loaf of Wonder Bread out of the bag like it’s popcorn at the movies
[at bar]
Him: Why’s a pretty girl like you sitting all alone?
Me: I peed my pants.
Shout out to the pack of wolves that raised me to be the lady I am today.
My daughter had two Barbies arguing and now one of them is getting a haircut, so I think we all know who won that argument.
who called it a motorhome and not a casa roll
Me: Time to carry me to bed, babe.
Him: That was one time.
Sometimes I think my neighbor down the street has pretty good taste when it comes to suits, as I try one on. At other times I think he needs a better home security system
. No Shoes
No Shirt
No Problem
Welcome To Walmart.
“I hate karaoke.”
“It’s pronounced kah-rah-oh-keh.”
“Now, I hate you too.”