Me: alright early to bed
Brain: nice
Me: need a good night sleep
Brain: rest is important
Me: don’t go saying shit to keep me awake all night
Brain: I won’t
Me: …
Brain: …
Me: …
Brain: …
Me: you still awake?
Brain: my guy if you’re awake I’m awake we been thru this
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My 6yr old says she’s going to stay up until the New Year, NO MATTER WHAT. She just asked if it was midnight yet, it’s 7:05.
I hate when you meet a new person and you like them, I mean I’m maxed out with 3 friends right now and having a 4th just seems like it’ll eat into nap time
a haunted house called blood bath & beyond
For Lent, I’ve decided to stop murdering drifters in the woods off 495.
Being the tallest person at work, leads me to believe they hired me because they were short staffed.
Opening emails from the school.
“I know we’ve given you no prior notice but tomorrow please can all pupils wear a Roman inspired costume, bring a donation for the Xmas raffle, a gluten free homemade cake for the coffee morning & a thimble containing two droplets of Walrus blood”.
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i always wear cargo shorts
professor x: that’s stup- *coughcough* sry my throats dry
me: oh here have a gatorade
professor x: thanks man
If you don’t fold the laundry, it won’t get folded. I know because I run this experiment weekly
If you hate being single, imagine being with someone who sets 10 alarms to wake up each day and sleeps through every one of them.
Dentist: it’s really crowded in your mouth, we’ll have to make space
Me: *spitting jolly ranchers into cup* guess I’ll save these for later
Me: I just ran into your brother.
Friend: How’s he doing?
Me: Not so good. I ran into him pretty hard.
We have a Costco membership because you never know when you’ll need an eight pound bag of blue tortilla chips and a canoe.
They say you shouldn’t eat right before bed so now I just wait until I’m in bed.
Every now and then something happens on TikTok that transcends social media and becomes a *work of art*
I’m sorry you didn’t find out that the Applebee’s gift card I gave you for your birthday doesn’t work until after you ate. I found out the hard way too.
her: [during roleplay] come get me
me: [struggling to get up with my ninja turtle shell on] no you get me
I’ve purchased a longer telephone cord so that I can remain on Neighborhood Watch and still talk to Fran.
There are only two things in this world visible from space. One is the Great Wall of China and the other is my pile of laundry.
I’ve just been wearing a towel for 5 days so everyone thinks I showered.
I’m not upset that you stopped my sneeze. I’m upset because you made my face look stupid for no reason.
*approaches drive-thru window on a camel*
“Sir, here’s your 17 big macs and a large milkshake.”
May I please have a straw?
*camel collapses*
Wife: *signing divorce papers*
I’m sorry I ever married youMe: Apology accepted
‘I don’t know, man…that deer could have rabies.’
~nervous tics
They say to avoid things that excite you when it’s time to sleep, but what’s more exciting than getting to sleep?
{to my new cat} i need you to kill this rat. u are the king of the jungle. u got this homie
{after watching an episode of tom and jerry} forget everything i just said. stay away from that rat. he’s going to kill you with a piano.
Kylo Ren: Hey, why is my paycheck so low?
General Hux: Damages. Maybe you should stop throwing temper tantrums with your lightsaber.
accessories can really boost a woman’s self confidence. for example I know I would feel 10x sexier if I carried a sword with me at all times
if a bear charges at you, don’t play dead. play nintendo, maybe the bear will join you and you’ll become best friends
nobody:
TV writers: first of all, nobody can explain anything quickly or clearly to avoid a misunderstanding
Giraffes only sleep 2 hours a day.
If reincarnation is real, fingers crossed that I don’t come back as a giraffe.