Me, a kid: wonders how they get jelly into jelly donuts
Me, an adult: wonders why they don’t put vodka into jelly donuts
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Your perfume smells like a funeral parlor. What’s it called? In Loving Memory by Calvin Klein?
M-I can’t go. My Ewok is sick.
H-Gigi that’s a stuffed animal.
M-
H-
M-Crap. I think you’re right. I bet he ate all my Doritos again.
This text is literally my relationship with my mother:
Last night my wife got pissed because I kicked the ice cubes I dropped under the refrigerator. But now it’s just water under the fridge.
interviewer: why do you want to drive a bus
me: the big windshield wipers
I get real disrespectful with serving sizes. A bag is not gonna tell me what to do.
My friends are like “hey come camping with us this weekend” & I’m like “I can’t, I have to get new friends”
Billy, 41, Aries, has been driving a city bus for 15 years but hopes to one day follow his dream and be a professional hand model. He enjoys country music and poker night with the boys. He is hoping to find someone willing to take a gamble on him and fix his achy breaky heart
Best friend, helping me dig a hole: so tell me again what happened?
Me: he came home to me sitting on the couch after I spent the entire day cleaning the house and said, ‘you’re just where I left you.’
Look, don’t call it a salad “bar” if you’re going to tell me I can’t do ranch dressing shots.
I need you to fill my water bowl but I’m also going to stand directly in your path and trip you 7 times before you can get to the sink.
– Dogs
My wife is:
1) Am amazing mom and a great friend
2) Still the most beautiful girl I’ve ever been with
3) Now following me on Twitter
You’re not allowed to be an eyewitness on the news unless you’re the most confused person at the scene.
Cellmate: What are you in for?
Me: The free food and healthcare
hell hath no fury like a toddler whose sibling is looking out the car window that isn’t theirs to look out of.
WAITER: how was everything
ME: [rubbing belly] so delicious. thank u
WAITER: great. please stop rubbing my belly
A twitter swear jar could end world hunger.
. 🧔🏻/ It’s
<) ) 🎹🎹🎹
/🧔🏻 9 o’clock
( (> 🎹🎹🎹
/🧔🏻/ On a Saturday
<) ) 🎹🎹🎹
/The regular crowd
👴🏻/ 👵🏽/ 👩🏻/ 👨🏽/
<) ) <) ) <) ) <) )
/ / / /Shuffles in
[showing colleague a pic on phone]
“NO! Don’t scroll left!”
My face falls as he sees my erotic photo collection of donuts on plates.
From a shark’s perspective, Jaws is a lot like Home Alone.
Boss: Stop putting fake teeth marks in the urinal cakes. You’re freaking out the customers.
Me: Fake?
Find someone who will worry about you like the way my Amazon delivery guy does when I don’t order anything in more than two days
My husband came with me to the gynecologist. As a new patient, I had to fill out a form asking if I’d ever had an IUD. When I checked the ‘yes’ box, he said: “You drove drunk!?!”
*walks into room, turns chair around backwards & sits down with arms crossed on it*
hey kids…I’m here to talk about how chairs confuse me
Purchased an hourglass for my desk at work to flip when people stop by to make them uncomfortable.
STEWARDESS: Does anyone know how to defuse a bomb?
PERSON WHO DOESN’T FLINCH OPENING A CAN OF CRESCENT ROLLS: Right here.
Good man! 👦🏻😡💪👍
[watching TV]
“Buy her the perfect diamond earrings for the holidays…”
Wife: Those are perf-
Me: *changes channel*
my gf opening a package: i need something sharp
me: okay 🙂
her: if u hand me cheddar again i will leave u
me: okay 🙁