Whoever coined the term sticktoitiveness really got away with some bullshit there
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I don’t need WebMD to tell me what’s wrong with me, I have my mother.
How to numbers:
1: good job!
2: you’re doing it!
7: uhoh
#: that’s not even a number
🐴: wtf?
B: what are you doing?
Me: Can you think of anything else I should add to the cart?
Husband: Nope. You’ve got it all.
Me: <send>
Husband: Oh, you know what else we could use —
[1st date]
*recalls buddy said women like a manly man*
*but also, be sensitive*
I like to work with my hands,
But splinters make me cry.
6: What’s a hangover?
Me: The interest repayment on fun.
A completely valid reaction tbh
Jamaica has declared war on drugs.
Actually, they pretty much do everything on drugs.
Van Gogh: take my ear as a symbol of love
Girl: ew I don’t want this
Van Gogh: I’m glad you like it
Girl: can you even hear me? This is gross
Van Gogh: I love you too
you ever stop and think to yourself, “why am I reading the Wikipedia page for Whale Oil?”
Even if it’s not cursed, a monkey paw is a terrible gift.
A guy asked my kiddos if they were on Santa’s naughty list or his good list. They both said good, but as soon as we got in the car, 4 was worried and asked “sooooo…how good do you have to be, to be on the good list?”
That seems sus.
Me: Does the Nintendo Power Hotline still exist?
Cop: I suggest using your one phone call to contact a lawyer, sir.
I just lifted a couch to retrieve a Skittle that fell underneath it, so I get you Moms that lift cars to rescue children, I get you.
I got mood poisoning. Must have been something I hate.
After all of the screaming I’ve done, you’d think that this roach would give it up and WANT to die.
Getting a text message from your ex is like getting a message from Satan on an Ouija board.
The most romantic way to propose is to put the ring in their dessert and when they bite it and break their tooth you yell “surprise, babe, you’re gonna be my wife and I have DENTAL COVERAGE”
My kid sat on the floor of a public restroom, so I had to throw him away and now I have to make a new one.
Parenting is hard, you guys.
My girl knows I’d never cheat on her because she would need to arrange it and remind me 37 times so I don’t forget
I like how the use of the passive implies William Shatner has no say in the matter
Me: 🎶 Don’t change for me ARGENTINAAAAA…”🎶
Friend: Cry
Me: *crying* 🎶 Don’t change for me ARGENTINAAAAA…”🎶
As long as my family keeps calling it “The Twitter” I’ll know I’m safe here
When the Eagles wrote the lyric “We are all just prisoners here, of our own device,” they weren’t kidding.
Posted from my iPhone
“I FIXED IT!”
giv a man a fish adn he’ll say “wat is this i ordered a mcflurry”
teach a man to fish adn he’ll say “how ar u the manager of this mcdonalds”
*entire building at my work loses power*
*I run all the way to Linda’s office*
Remember when you said light up shoes were a dumb idea?
Jousting on horseback except both competitors have party subs.
If you’re ever interested in having a near death experience just tell a girl she’s not hot enough to be that crazy.
Worth a try