Getting caught doing nothing is NOT an option
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Got thrown out of Joann Fabrics for asking for wife material.
HR says I’m not allowed to build an electric fence around my desk for days I have to go into the office .
Today’s weather from Yorkshire
Teacher: What is the world’s laziest creature? You, at the back
Me, at the back: rude
Me: The car battery is flat
Her: Have you tried the AA?
Me: No, it has to be a car battery
Don’t “psh” me, Coca Cola I just opened.
* Tries to keep eye contact on a date with a crab *
Crab : My eyes are up here.
what idiot called it a best man instead of a lord of the rings
“PS, I love you” — Me to my PlayStation.
WHY DOES THIS DENTAL FLOSS REFUSE TO LET ME TOSS IT INTO THE BATHROOM TRASH CAN?
Funny that Lebron couldn’t even finish a game due to cramps when RoboCop saved all of Detroit without even having his own legs
Trick your partner into thinking you’ve been to Costco by coming home with a canoe & a years supply of dishwasher tablets.
I’m in your fridge late at night like this!
Her: OMG my feet are sooo cold, like ice!
Me: No, don’t put them on m-… gahhh!Repeat until I die, she assures me it was in the wedding vows.
Y’all wanna hear something funny?
Lol me too
Vacations in your single 20s: backpacking Europe, hiking a Hawaiian volcano, relaxing poolside in St Croix with a book & a cocktail
Vacations in your 40s with kids: WHY IS SAND ON EVERYTHING, STOP FIGHTING, NO DESSERT FOR YOU, WE’RE ALL GOING TO BED EARLY
Person: *falls in love with me*
Me: I have felt bad for a spoon I accidentally threw away because it probably thinks I don’t want it anymore and, why is it the only spoon the in the trash.
Person: ok cool, never mind.
doctor: I may have to amputate your feet if we can’t stop the infection
me: are there any steps I can take
doctor: not after I’m done
Finally, a door that understands me
I can’t do this. I think I’m dying. Why does your face look like a donut?
~ me 30 minutes into dieting
#dnd #ttrpg
Batman trying to get some sleep during the day
I know it’s impossible to keep kids from screaming when they play outside but I wish there was some way to teach them the difference between “WE ARE HAVING A FUN GAME!” Screaming and “WE ARE BEING BRUTALLY MURDERED!” Screaming
I can’t be a sellout. I have no idea what anyone wants.
I tend to trust people who reek of garlic.
You scream “SWEEP THE LEG!” one time and all of a sudden you’re “invited” to watch your kid’s wrestling match from the parking lot.
Jesus: “BRAINS!”
*everyone looks scared*
Jesus: “Just kidding! I’m fine, I’m fine.”
[in the world of chess]
kings: here’s a sword
bishop: what do i do with this? i can’t even run straight
Can someone help I just stepped into an elevator with Slayer and they won’t stop staring
Work in retail. If we say it’s not out the back, it’s not. But you pricks insist so we say fine and take a free break. Once I was hungover so took a cheeky nap, came out 15mins later pretending I’d looked EVERYWHERE. She was so grateful I tried, told my manager I was fantastic.