My 2-year-old refused to brush her teeth because a towel was in the wrong spot.
I calmly explained to her that the position of the towel didn’t matter and that she needed to brush her teeth no matter what.
Just kidding.
I moved the damn towel.
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I was at a Hanukkah party at my uncle’s house and one of my cousins was like, “hey look it’s bitcoin” and held up a piece of gelt that he’d taken a bite out of
It’s only Cloud Computing if it originates in the Saint-Cloud region of France.
Otherwise, it’s just sparkling servers-in-a-warehouse.
Sometimes I’ll be staring at my phone for a few minutes and be like “what was it I was doing” then I’ll be like “oh yeah I’m driving a car”
“Oh heyyy youuu. How are YOU doing? How’s your… stuff? I haven’t seen you in… time.”
-I say to the person I don’t remember.
I’m proud of the fact I’ve never yet lost a fight with a panda.
I will not be participating in the end of daylight savings time on the grounds that setting my clock back will add an hour to 2020.
soft pretzels only come 2 ways:
– no salt
– enough salt to line a highway before a snowstorm
The way to cure your loneliness is to get on out there! But first, be better looking. And stop being yourself, that’s obviously not working.
Divorce court is like regular court except the judge sentences you to freedom.
[first day as aquarium guide]
Me: & here’s 8 snakes biting a soccer ball
Guy: that’s an octopus
Me [sighs]: fine. 8 snakes biting an octopus
The worst part of seeing a spider in the shower was the way it covered it’s eyes when it saw me.
Don’t stay together for the kids. Stay together because neither one of you wants to raise those monsters alone.
i dont swirl my wine because im sophisticated i do it because i can barely stand
Doctor: I’m sorry, I did everything I could.
Grieving Family: We just can’t believe you wasted your time getting a PhD in Philosophy.
My 8YO turned vegetarian to save the planet, then decided to wait until after this weekend’s burger grilling
Kid: MOM WHERE ARE YOU
M: upstairs
K: WHERE?
M: upstairs
K: UPSTAIRS?
M: yes
K: UPSTAIRS OF THIS HOUSE?
M: what the? yes
K: ARE YOU UPSTAIRS
“NO NUT NOVEMBER” I scream before stabbing Mr. Peanut with an Epi-Pen
Friends with benefits? What, like you can provide dental insurance?
Florist: “Would you like your flowers wrapped?”
Me: “Nope, they’re going right into the shredder before I give them to my sister-in-law.”
Them: Ma’am, we’re going to have to ask you leave…
Me: *doing the limbo under the police tape at a crime scene*
My dad said it’s important to carry a compass when I go hiking, in case I ever get lost. I have no idea how drawing perfect circles will help, but I’m not one to question authority.
If you think walking on eggshells is bad, try chewing them.
Don’t follow your dreams, I did once and ended up naked in the supermarket.
I’m never asking anyone out on a date again
[my deathbed]
Kid: Mom where are my shoes?
Never trust anyone who says “let me be Frank” no, what is your real name?
Strange how FB doesn’t automatically add the enemies of your enemies as your friends,
[first day at mcdonalds]
guy: can i get a large fry
me: you mean like a potato
Welcome to your fifties, Saturday Night Fever now means lots of rest, cold medicine and chicken noodle soup.
*Wakes up in Superman’s body*
Me: Holy crap! I’m finally a hero!
*Uses heat vision to re-heat last night’s pizza & puts on Netflix*