Marriage may be hard but at least you don’t have to wear heels to the pumpkin patch anymore.
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Sometimes it’s just nice to sit back, relax, and watch shit happen to someone else for a change.
Nutritionist: Do you eat salad?
Me: Yes, I love potato salad.
Nutritionist: no
obliviously driving m y car through chernobyl , absorbing lethal anmounts of radiation while looking for cute girls
Obama: Joe, look. Full moon
Biden: What? TONIGHT? *starts shapeshifting*
Obama: Joe?
Biden: AARRGHHH
*Gore kicks door down*
Gore: MANBEARPIG
Looking at hotels, one review says there are “drug attics” here.
Well what a fun little storage idea!
Booked it
“Food expiration dates are lies. It’s all about control.” My knife breaks as I cut into a plate of milk. “I’m saving this for later.”
Everyone shut up, my 1st grader is telling me a 30-minute long story about how Laberham Lincoln got shot.
[rap battle]
me: orange grorange schmorange blorange
[loudly in front of a bunch of ducks] “OH NO I SEEM TO HAVE BROUGHT TOO MUCH BREAD WITH ME WHATEVER SHALL I DO?” *ducks try to play it cool*
My dad, a beekeeper, and my mum, an aviarist: we need to talk
Me: what about
Every time a magician graduates from his school and throws his hat in the air at the convocation, PETA sues him for cruelty to rabbits.
I tried to forgive and forget but I forgot who I forgave.
cop: do you know how fast you were going?
cheetah: 60mph but i can reach speeds of 75mph on smooth terrain
cop: [turns to camera] wow kids did you hear that? twitter is so full of wonderful facts
cheetah: that’s right officer. for instance did you know 9/11 was an inside job?
[me adjusting paintball mask] it’s too bad we aren’t on the same team
date: yeah
{response at rap battle}
Nice try but my Mom isn’t even flexible so it’s impossible that really took place.
2015. Worse than the death of paper is the death of staplers. Rest in peace you sexy plastic alligators.
Bear Grylls: We need to start a fire or we’re going to freeze.
Me: [Walks around camp quickly in corduroy pants]
Here you go!
Screaming out, “YOUR HARMFUL SIDE EFFECTS DON’T SCARE ME,” in a pharmacy, gets you moved to the front of the line, apparently.
Me- my boyfriend never messages goodnight before sleeping 😞
My friend- maybe because you don’t have one?
“This, too, shall pass,” I thought to myself after the dog swallowed a tube sock.
If someone asks you a question you don’t want to answer just say, “I don’t know. I ran into a sliding glass door and knocked myself out, and now I’m having trouble remembering things.” That will get them off your back for a week.
[date]
HER: Do you like Star Wars?
ME: Of course
HER: Which character do you identify with?
ME: *leans in close* The complete void of space
In 5 more years people will be notified of their termination of employment via emoji.
*grabbing my own shoulders and shaking myself* PLEASE, for the love of god, just tell me what you want
Someone asked me today what was the toughest thing about being a parent. I would have to say it’s the kids.
A gritty reboot of basketball where we find out all the players’ moms were murdered by circles and that’s why they throw rocks at one.
[First person to ride a horse]
‘I’m going to sit on that thing and I don’t care how angry it gets.’
Sick of obnoxious ring tones in the office, so I’ve set mine to the sound of a girl screaming (horror movie style).
Morpheus: If you take the red pill, I will show you what the Matrix is.
Neo: *ingests pill* Whoa.
Morpheus: It’s also a powerful laxative.