My parents were going to name me after the city I was conceived in but neither of them knew how to spell Albuquerque.
You Might Also Like
People who use any other buttons on your microwave besides 30 Seconds default one, explain yourselves!
What do I look for in a girl? Well she has to be hot. And well-rounded. And cheesy. Extra guac. Wait, wrong list, this is my Chipotle order.
Me: *holding my hands out* Time to say grace
McDonald’s cashier: No
Tip of the day: Don’t try to scratch an itchy ankle while on a treadmill.
My daughter is mad at me because I didn’t offer her a banana first thing this morning.
She hates bananas.
It’s only a restroom if you fall asleep in the stall.
stop asking me if i’m tired, can’t i just be ugly.
Instead of telling people to drive safely, tell them you had a dream that they died in a car crash. Then to avoid looking crazy, say “I don’t believe in those things, so it’s probably nothing, don’t worry.”
They will drive… super carefully.
I’m never marrying anyone else that I find on craigslist.
When I die, instead of being cremated or buried, I’d like my body to be thrown out of a tree onto a group of teens
[creation of kangaroo]
God: give that bouncy dog a fanny pack
Angel: *hands bouncy dog a fanny pack*
God: no no like build it into its stomach hahaha
Angel: again with this shit
My husband’s coming home from a work trip, so I’m putting dishes in the sink to make it look like I didn’t eat toast on a paper towel for five days.
dad: You’re sitting at the kids table this Thanksgiving
me: Why?
dad: What’s a fuse?
me: Uh
dad: Who’s SpongeBob’s best friend?
me: Patr- oh
This Thanksgiving, take a break from arguing with people online and do it in person.
The leather seats in your car waiting for you to wear shorts on a hot day
“sorry you are currently offline” is my new go-to response when my family wants something
Still boggled by the people I know who are going out to bars saying “we can defeat this if we’re not afraid” and I’m like “this isn’t Pennywise it’s a PANDEMIC”
[Oreo meeting]
What about ‘sextuple stuffed’
“That’s just inappropriate Jeff you’re fired”
[later googling Sextuple]
“Omg that’s genius”
ME: i joined CrossFit
PRIEST: again, kind of weird but not a sin
My girlfriend said she liked long walks so I bought her a dog.
*runs into san francisco restaurant* THE KALE WASN’T LOCALLY SOURCED
*sound of 100s of ubers smashing into each other outside restaurant*
HER: ”So, what should I do now?”
DOCTOR: “Inform your partner.”
HER: “I don’t know if I can face him.”
DOCTOR: “You can write him a note.”
HER: “That’s a great idea!”
Me: sorry I can’t work today, the baby’s not well
Boss: what baby?
Me: me
[In bed with gf]
“Do you have any fantasies?”
Yeah, one. You know your friend Sarah, the hot one?
“Yes.. why?”
I want to hit her with my car
The cable company told me they would send a guy out and I need to be home between the hours of 1pm and 2014.
My autocorrect just changed “I’m off” to “I’m DTF” and changed a casual conversation with my boss into an H.R meeting.
Science is tricky. Keeps you on your toes.
Mineralogy? Study of minerals.
Oceanology? Study of oceans.
Meteorology? NOT ABOUT METEORS.
I love how science fiction movies skip right to the fiction part.
Thank God for butter because without butter all butterflies would be just flies and that sounds terrible.