“Screw you, my face doesn’t look like that at all” – an actual duck.
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Me: (Sigh) There she is.
Him: Sounds like you’re still carrying a torch for her.
Me: Yea, like the villagers carried one for Frankenstein!
Nothing works harder than my sports bra when I’m chasing the ice cream truck.
You lost your mind? Don’t worry. Ask any mom and she’ll find it within two minutes.
Cellulite? No thank you. I prefer good old full fat cellu
Practice self-care like bats, avoid daylight & hug yourself adoringly while you sleep.
“Dont put all your eggs in one basket,” is a lie perpetuated by Big Basket to sell more baskets
The 6th day of xmas was the worst day of xmas bc after getting 5 golden rings she thought he moved on to jewelry & did not expect more birds
Your honor? My client would like to address the court and ruin everything.
If I’ve learned anything from children it’s that, no matter what, if you have two socks, you have a pair of socks
Me: eats spicy Szechuan for lunch
My guts the next day: look, we’ve had this discussion before
GUY: Do you want to play fantasy football?
ME: Okay, I’m a quarterback with wings
ME: I’ll have the steak, medium-rare please
WAITER: Sure, would you like anything on the side?
ME: To be totally candid I’d like it all on the plate
[GRAND CANYON]
WIFE: Isn’t this incredible?
ME: It’s ok.
WIFE: Were you expecting a thousand canyons?
ME: I don’t want to talk about it
If you pedal backwards on a Peloton, fried chicken appears in the cup holder.
[Chasing a fox on my bike]
ME: How is he reaching the pedals?!
reduce, reuse, recycle
Why do we always hurt the ones who eat the tator tots I was saving in the freezer?
I lost an ibuprofen under my dresser a week ago and now I’m worried the spiders are coming after me with no headaches and renewed vigor.
Judas: still on for Friday?
Jesus: Friday?
Judas: yeah, the last supper
Jesus: the what?
Judas: supper. Normal supper with the fellas
[airplane intercom]
good afternoon ladies and gentlemen this is your captain speaking why did you leave without me
I think it’s obvious that Goo Goo Dolls and Lady Gaga should do a side project together and call it Goo Goo Gaga.
smoke alarm broke, so i decided to tape a bag of microwave popcorn to the ceiling. if it starts popping, i will know it is too hot in there.
Whenever my wife gets smug about winning an argument I like to remind her that up until a year ago she thought narwhals were mythological creatures.
If you offer me celery I’ll use it as it was originally intended, to beat you with.
Today is “bring your dog to work day”. I thought it was “bring your dawg to work day”. So now DeShaun has to leave. Sorry dawg
There’s a programme on the BBC called Elephant Diaries.
You’d think that was one animal that wouldn’t need to keep one.
Satan: welcome to hell. this is Gary. he’ll be your demon for today.
Demon Gary: hi!
Me: he doesn’t seem so bad.
Demon Gary: *tearing up* why would you say that?
Me: oh, no, I’m sorry, I didn’t–
Satan: jesus, no wonder you ended up here.
[Therapy]
Dr. Pencil: Remind me again what draws you here today?
Piece of paper: I feel like I’m always getting lead on, it’s really left its mark on me.
Dr. Pencil: Oh, that’s write.
So my drug dealer just died. I’m thinking about going to his funeral to, you know, network.