A grasshopper just jumped onto my foot and I reacted like I was being attacked by a shark.
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This is probably a controversial take but I think the sanitation worker responsible for garbage collection on Sesame Street should be fired.
*lights dim in restaurant*
DATE: did it just become sexier in here?
ME: I CAN’T SEE MY MENU
[me being lowered into my grave]
the grave:
please input the SMS code we texted so we can make sure it’s you
7-year-old: I won breakfast!
Me: You can’t win breakfast. You just eat it.
7: Said the loser.
I think you misunderstood–when I said, “Let me look into it” that meant, “I don’t know exactly how to tell you no just yet”
A microwave with three only buttons.
1. Hot Pocket
2. Pizza Rolls
3. 4 Hot Pockets and 60 Pizza Rolls
We installed those slam-proof bumpers on all of our doors. My kids’ fingers are safe, but I have no way of knowing when my wife is mad at me.
Something’s wrong with the selfie camera on my new phone. It keeps making me look like I’m 40.
Monday 8am: I write a list of things that must get done today.
Monday 6pm: I scratch MON off of the top of the entire list and write TUES.
me when the borders lift
15yo: Mom, now that you have to do your own nails, maybe you shouldn’t do them at night…
ME: I didn’t!
15yo: when it’s dark …
ME: It was morning!
15yo: and cloudy…
ME: It was sunny!
15yo: when you’re tired…
ME: I just woke up!
15yo: while drinking…
ME: … fair.
Little known fact:
Centipede’s are the Metric version of Inchworms.
Candy companies will look you straight in the eye and lie about how they know what a banana tastes like.
Any question can be a rhetorical question if you walk away fast enough.
It’s really important to have things in common with your spouse, for instance my wife and I both despise my very existance.
Don’t forget to wear your lip gloss so you can constantly pick hair out of it and any flying debris you may collect throughout the day.
15 men all vying for the chance to fight with one woman:
1. The Bachelorette
2. The American presidential race
Samsies.
When someone tells me to “smile naturally”.
TREE: [sees christmas tree thru window] who dose he think he is. all dressed up. too good to be outside
ANOTHER TREE: be nice, he is dying
Why is my long hair now up in a messy bun today? Well I leaned down to pick up something from the floor & my cat leapt out of nowhere, claws out, grabbed my hair like a vine rope over a lake & swung from it for fun.
Just in case you’re thinking about having kids, I just broke up an argument about “excessive angry blinking” at each other.
I’m at the point in life where if a girl dresses up in a french maid outfit I’d be more happy if she actually just cleaned my house for me..
How strict is the “I licked it, it’s mine” policy?
There’s some things I’ve licked that I don’t want.
Will I. Am’s headstone will read “Will I. Was,” completing history’s longest set-up to a punchline
True love doesn’t care about the look or size of your wallet, it’s all about what is inside ….. the wallet.
It’s too bad my sister wasn’t kinder to me in middle school.
**orders nephew a bullhorn for Christmas**
put on my eevee cosplay and my mom said i looked like a squirrel and took a picture of me in our yard and posted it in our neighborhood facebook group saying that the squirrels are getting larger this year and that someone needs to contact animal control
when you see warnings on the 3D glasses from the movies that says “do not use to view eclipse” that’s because of me
My son thinks declaring “yuck” to every meal I prepare can break me, but he doesn’t realize academic life has hardened me from rejection. So, joke’s on him.
Harry: so a time turner turns back time
Dumbledore: yes
Harry: to, say, stop two murders
Dumbledore:
Harry: hello
Dumbledore [loudly chewing jelly beans]: crazy how Pluto isn’t a planet anymore lol