(during sex)
Her: Make me scream
Me: *let’s loose tarantula on her chest*
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*meeting
Boss: Are you sleeping?!
Me: Well I *was*.
As soon as they heard the flush, my phone interview took a drastic turn.
“No. No birthdays, Christmas or modern medicine.. But you sure do make great friends going door-to-door”
*Door slams
– Jehova’s Witnesses
“old Victorian houses are charming”
I AM WEARING THREE SWEATSHIRTS AND TWO PAIRS OF PJ PANTS UNDER TWO BLANKETS AND I AM STILL SO FRIGGEN COLD RIGHT NOW OK SO CHARMING CAN ***K RIGHT OFF
WATSON: do you even have a proper education?
SHERLOCK: Elementary, my dear Watson
WATSON: but, like, beyond that
SHERLOCK: nah
I’ve been a girl for 36 years, and I still don’t know how to correctly use bobby pins.
*gets several new followers on Sunday
*adds Jesus to resume
The closest I’ve come to mastering a martial art is figuring out how to wash my feet in the shower
Friend: What’s wrong? Is everything OK?
Me: I don’t want to talk about it.
Also me: [To 20,000 strangers on the internet] you guys ARE NOT going to believe this SHIT
😍😂🥰😂😍
Airbnb’s should be required to tell you their wifi password before you book because I’m second guessing this place based on “fluffycream350”.
Idioms are annoying so I won’t count chickens that cry over spilt milk at the drop of a hat or bark up the wrong apples and oranges tree because at the end of the day, it is what it is, and it ain’t over til the fat lady kills two birds with a piece of cake.
I just got a paper cut from a 108 yr old book so I’m sitting here waiting to turn into a vampire
Just burnt 2,000 calories…
That’ll be the last time I bake a pizza while I’m asleep!
My obsession with building townhouses is going to give me a complex one of these days.
Me: I got my first TOTD! It’s exciting!
Him: What’s that?
M: um, well, it’s an imaginary trophy…
H: well then I’m imaginary proud of you.
My wife took a bunch of my clothes to make a scarecrow today and seeing it come together I realized I dress like a scarecrow.
When I die, I want them to write that I died of supernatural causes, but offer no explanation.
GOD: it’s time I punished the humans again
JESUS: cool. flood or plague?
GOD:[watching The Apprentice] oh I’ve something way worse in mind..
*uses your voodoo doll as a tampon*
I put a message in an empty wine bottle and threw it in the ocean.
It said, “Please refill and return to sender.”
Now I wait.
tinder profile where the fish is holding me
A real smart TV would increase the volume when you start eating chips.
My coworkers and I pitched in to buy Greece
as a retirement gift for the boss..We decided it was better than a $50 Applebee’s gift card.
My hobbies include knitting and leaving one star reviews on recipes when I used different ingredients and different techniqes and it turned out gross.
My kid got so bored he asked to do chores, so if you need me, I’ll be over here on my fainting couch
turn-ons:
• eye contact
• people who pay attention to me
• people who know how to push my buttons
• oh god im a television
• how did this h―
Today I was asked why we should bother paying interns if they’re “getting experience for their résumé.”
Here’s what we have say about that:
Mugger: Give me your money
Me: Get ready to see some karate!
Mugger: Oh yeah?
Me: I have tournament tickets in my man bag
My kids are asking for another dog that I can feed and walk.