if you’re ever worried there’s an intruder in your house, shout 69 down the stairs. if no one laughs, there’s no one there
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I spelled my name wrong in an email about a job opening. My name. Wrong. But definitely very detail oriented and works well independently.
Insomniacs who are not afraid of the dark have nighty-night problems but the pitch ain’t one.
imagine being a bald vampire and every time you walk by a mirror your toupee looks like it’s floating in mid air.
I’m an asshole.
Sent from my Apple Watch
“you shouldn’t let your cat jump on the counter” my cat could take out a loan in my name if he wanted to
“Oh I would do anything for cash,
But I won’t do that”– my kids, Meat Loafing me when I ask them to do their chores
Wife: Who is the prettiest of my friends?
Me: your mother, why?
W: Stop acting like you’re 12.
M: (thinking) I dodged that bullet again.
Give a man a fish & he’ll be all “WTF are you giving me a fish for? That’s weird” Teach a man to fish & he’ll be all “Again with the fish?”
I once had a coworker friend tell me how her son was arrested in another country, and she had to buy gift cards and send them by “special delivery” person who picked them up, to bail him out. I laughed out loud (couldn’t help myself) so hard, she never spoke to me again.
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person says: hi
Boomer neighbors on NextDoor: “Kids never go outside and play anymore! The parks and alleys are empty!”
Boomer neighbors IRL: “How dare neighborhood children play a game of basketball outside on a summer evening at a nice normal volume! Go inside!”
I just ate my weight in baked potatoes so if anyone has been thinking about robbing my house, now is the time to do it. I’m not moving anytime soon.
I’m not petty, but when someone is tailgating me I spray my windshield washer fluid and the payoff is seeing them turning on their wipers.
Welcome to innuendo club. This is going to be a long and hard session, if you know what I mean.
God: where’s your horn
Unicorn: i sold it for drugs
God: throw this fucken horse in jail–the invention of zebras
Only 4 beers left in house. Time to find new house.
Groundhog Day
1993 ‧ Comedy/Romance ‧ 1h 41mGroundhog Year
2020/21 ‧ Horror ‧ 10,272days
Old enough to remember when infectious laughter had a positive connotation
I would be awful at debating I’d be like first of all you are being so mean to me.
[confessional]
me: father, gooey naan.
father: what’s gooey naan?
me: nothing much. what’s goin’ on with you?
New Year’s Eve would be so much better if it happened around sevenish.
Confuse future archaeologists by burying human bones as if they’re riding dinosaur skeletons into battle.
{watching a horror movie}
SAGE YOUR HOUSE, IDIOT!
WHAT DO WE WANT?
RACE CAR NOISES!!!
WHEN DO WE WANT THEM??
NEEEEEEOOOOOOOOOOWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW
Some lady on The Price is Right just won a brand new 2016 Epi-Pen.
Why would I buy a pumpkin at the store for $5 when I can drive 30 miles & pay to make my kids walk through a field to pick our own for $27.
Me looking for something to eat….
⠀
Instructions: bake for 25 minutes.
⠀
Me: ugh, that takes too long. I don’t feel like dealing with it.
⠀
*proceeds to door dash overpriced food that will take 45 minutes to arrive*
Look, you can tell me what to do in an emergency and that’s fine, but I’m going to do what I do best, and that is panic.
“Four Weddings and a Funeral” is my favorite movie with 25% as many funerals as weddings.