“OMG THE CORN IS SHOOTING AT US”
– inventor of popcorn
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Person who is about to invent the coffee mug: Ouch! This coffee cup is too hot to pick up!
Boss: I don’t have time for this. Handle it.
I talk a lot of shit for someone whose immune system interprets my ear piercings as a threat.
Baby Judge: You’re sentenced to 3 jars of strained peas.
*baby bailiffs drop their squeaky toys*
*an infant juror spits up*
‘Sorry I liked your Facebook status, I was using my laptop as a plate’- my autobiography
Wife: HOW IS IT ONLY WEDNESDAY?!
Me: It’s Tuesday.
Wife: HOW IS IT ONLY TUESDAY?!
My friend said his dog retrieved a ball he threw over a mile away. I don’t know, that seems pretty far fetched.
I don’t need armpits that smell like fruit salad or “sexy intrigue”. I exude that naturally.
The fruit salad smell. Not the sexy intrigue.
[intercom]
Please stop putting clown shoes on the sacrificial goat. The ritual is in 3 days & the other cults aren’t taking us seriously.
You learn something every day
God: your name is Owl.
Owl: who?
God: you. your name is Owl.
Owl: I know I’m just messin with ya.
God: ok then state your name.
Owl: your name. lol.
God: are you serious?
Owl: no i’m Owl : )
God:
Owl:
God: [under breath] you’ve made a powerful enemy today.
Owl: who?
But if I go out, who is going to stick their finger in the cat’s mouth and ruin his yawns?
It’s always good to leave a few toilet paper remnants behind so he knows you’re a fastidious wiper.
[on an airplane]
Me: Is the pilot any good?
Flight attendant: One of the best
Me: [winks] How about the rest of the season?
i love driving becuase it combines my love of sitting with my love of being mad
hr: and who should we contact in an emergency?
me: I guess me
hr: no, like, if the emergency involves you
me: that feels like even more reason to tell me
wife [gives me piece of fruit] Try this
me: Tastes like hand sanitizer
wife: Did you just use hand sanitizer?
me: Yeah
wife
me
wife
me: Why?
maybe my uterus is haunted, or maybe there’s an actual shark up there
I’m not saying I’ve let my house get filthy, but this is the second time I’ve caught my new Roomba trying to mail itself back to the factory
Well doctor, my problem is basically this: when it snows, my eyes become large and the light that you shine can be seen.
My kids all went to bed without being asked so I’m interrogating them all to see who did what.
Eventually they’ll break.
Neighbours described the United Kingdom as a “quiet, well-mannered country” that “kept itself to itself”.
wordle is optional. y’all complain so much, just wanted to remind you
Me: I’ll be ready in 2 minutes!
7: YOU SAID THAT A THOUSAND TRILLION MILLION YEARS AGO!
Looks like neither of us really have a grip on time.
*wearing five finger condoms on both hands* ok time for some safe sexting
As a man I’ll never know the what the pain of child birth feels like. But I’m guessing the pain of stubbing your toes has to be really close.
I found a message in a bottle. It said: don’t pollute.
Company loyalty can often be explained by Stockholm syndrome.
It turns out the answer to my problems wasn’t at the bottom of this pint of ice cream, but the important thing is that I tried.
If you hate being single, imagine being with someone who sets 10 alarms to wake up each day and sleeps through every one of them.
if you jumped out of a plane would you rather have a parachute or the knowledge of how to make a parachute? most people would say parachute. and that’s why most people never start a successful business