Listen if vampires don’t age or whatever then why aren’t there any films about vampires set in a future where we all live in space??? Space Vampires?! Do I have to do everything around here
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“I’m a talking piece of paper. Your eyes are beneath your nose. Nothing’s real here, kid.”
When I say, “No problem,” I mean, “YOU REMEMBER THIS FAVOR FOREVER.”
No disrespect to the Jurassic World franchise, but the scariest dinosaur is purple and claims he loves me and is part of my family.
High school: rough age for some
High fiber: roughage for others
“It’s only eight o’clock” he says like that’s not late as shit.
[yelling to bartender in crowded nightclub] WHAT KIND OF CAPRI SUN FLAVORS DO YOU HAVE?
DOROTHY: What do these shoes do?
GLINDA: Send you home
D: Lame [tries new pair] And these?
G: Wait-
D: [clicks heels]
[turns into hamburger]
Ruffles? Oh you mean the corduroy chips?
I’ve been obsessed with random unnecessary quotation marks since I was a kid.
This is easily the most terrifying example.
Wondering when these skinny jeans are gonna kick in.
been adding little motivational notes in books so I can read more 😊
My dad called and asked which brand of bourbon I would be most thankful for next week.
My mom must have sent him grocery shopping.
Other Mom: We just got back from a trip to the Caribbean, so we are trying to get our life back to normal. You know how it is.
Me: Totally. We just got back from a trip to the grocery store.
SPIDER-MAN: hold it right there, Chameleon
CHAMELEON: how’d u know it was me??
SM: ur disguised as Peter Parker
C: so?
SM: *starts sweating*
her: i like a guy that can last long 😉
me, a piece of flavored gum: shit
I wish I was dinosaur. No school, no work, just ror ror.
[at auto shop]
MECHANIC: can I help you?
ME: my car won’t start
MECHANIC: umm, that’s a horse
ME: because my car won’t start, are you even listening?
If you date a guy long enough he’ll start to sound like your dad when you were in junior high:
“Have fun! Be safe! Call me when you get there! Don’t talk to boys!”
My grandma just described my grandads driving as erotic and I’m seriously hoping she meant erratic or grandma has some kinks I don’t wanna know about
Me: ew look at that guy sitting in his own shit.
Wife: just change your son’s diaper please.
Plain white T’s: A thousands miles seems pretty far, but they’ve got plans and trains and cars
The proclaimers: *after walking 500 miles and 500 more* ……they have…. WHAT?!
Why doesn’t anyone put the whole football on their mouth like a pelican and pretend they don’t have it
My wife said she got a life insurance policy on me in case something tragic happened and I was like wow she thinks my death would be tragic!
“Look at me at me when I’m talking to you, lady. Oh, no, no, not you, lady. I call my daughter lady. I’m so sorry.”
* me, in public on more than one occasion.
it’s called “no YOU were supposed to pay the electric bill”
The most important meal of the day is the next one
At this point the angel on my shoulder just mutters “You’ll regret it,” then slowly sips whiskey.
I only wear my Rolex when I go to car dealerships to watch the salesmen fight over me
You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take and 98% of the ones you do. Maybe this is not your sport.
My father claims there’s nothing like being independent and yet he hasn’t washed a dish since 1975.