This is my brand.
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To whoever has my old phone number: I truly hope you’re enjoying those texts from that guy I met at that thing
Welcome to your 40s. Your ability to be sneaky will now be hindered by your bones cracking when you walk.
I am going to learn to astral project or I’m going to sleep trying.
Back away slowly from the uncaffeinated woman.
You can pretend you’re a ghost at pottery barn, there’s no laws against that
Me: We will leave in a little bit
8: After you put your makeup on?
Me: I have my makeup on!
8: Oh *pause*…you look very pretty
If you had more money you’d be happier.
“a perfectly placed emoji is better than good punctuation.. ”
said No Teacher ever
People always ask me if my problem kid is the middle child but my husband is the oldest.
Every time my dentist is kind enough to tell me I need to floss, I am kind enough to tell him that he needs to trim his nostril hairs.
Leaving the beach yesterday I said to myself ‘don’t leave your phone on the roof of the car, woman’.
Long story short, someone found my phone on the side of the road and just returned it to me
I miss you like an idiot misses the point.
I’d like to see the dollar store get a liquor license.
Therapist: What can you do when your husband rubs you the wrong way?
M: ask him to use his other hand
Therapist: Let me rephrase…
What I have learned from dating is that if he shows you affection, talks to you every day, and introduces you to his friends and family, he’s just not that into you
Whenever I have to sign something to send back to my kid’s school, I always worry they’ll think she forged it even though I try to use my best “grown-up” penmanship.
I’m less of a “Don’t say that” mom and more of a “Don’t say that at school” mom.
Sometimes I will do a very simple self-care thing like putting lotion on my hands before bed and be like “that was so easy, I will do this every day” and then forget that I even have hands for the next 6 years.
“Am I the only one who-?”
There are over 7 billion people on earth. No. No you’re not the only one.
My husband and I are looking for someone to whistle show tunes while we have sex in our hot tub. Serious inquires only, please.
Husband: [wiping off dust] How long have these mixed nuts been in the pantry?
Me: Since I picked the last cashew out, I guess.
*Opens twitter*
*Sees Polio is trending*
*Closes twitter*
ME: Hey buddy, your dog left a little ‘present’ on my lawn
GUY: Huh?
ME: *points to tiny, nicely wrapped gift* Thank him for me, willya?
I’m “misinterprets hand gesture and accidentally high fives your fist” white.
“john could tell that emily was getting tired of him narrating their date”
me: I got fired from the play, they hated my set design
wife: did you make a scene?
me: *crying* several
If Canada takes over the world we’re all going to be sorry.
I’m getting really good at raising my eyebrow to communicate the concept of “that’s not six foot”.
I learnt it from various women who were communicating a similar message in a very different context.
I partied like it was 1999 and when I woke up, I was holding a huge flip phone with an enormous roaming charge.
I witnessed some luteing today. Six men playing a sprightly medieval tune . Quite out of step with the times were they.