*Removes ‘Loves to bake’ from online dating profile
You Might Also Like
When I hear “This call is being monitored for quality assurance” I think “Cool, let’s see how bad this person wants their job.”
Nobody:
Me: people died on the Titanic but the lobsters were set free.
[on a date]
him: I hope you’re a Game of Thrones fan.
me: *stabs him with a sword then sleeps with his brother*
Can you imagine being a cat and having to do this NINE times?!
Do one person every day that scares you.
My mom used to beat me with a camera.
I still get flashbacks.
You say lasagna. I say spaghetti cake. Because my 3 year old won’t eat lasagna.
It’s so cute when Amazon’s like ‘are you buying this can of tuna as a gift’?
Gift wrap? Why not!
He also looks really rough for a 4 year old
Doctor told me I need glasses. So I’m having several tonite.
You can’t just ask me why it takes me so long to get ready, would you tell Medusa to comb her snakes faster
*large male nurse rolls chair all the way across room, coming to a stop with his forehead pressed against yours*
SO YOUR CHART SAYS ANXIETY?
AH WONDERFUL I SEE THE JOB APPLICATION HAS CHOSEN TO IGNORE MY BEAUTIFULLY CRAFTED RESUME IN LIEU OF MAKING ME ENTER MY INFORMATION LINE BY LINE ONTO SOME SORT OF WEBSITE FROM THE 1800S
When hipsters replaced hippies, we lost free love and drugs and got skinny jeans. Worst. Trade. Ever.
Not wearing glasses anymore, I’ve seen enough.
The hardest part of potty training my puppy is shitting outside with him so he can learn how to
[being held back by fireman as i try to run back in the house during earthquake]
“MY ETCH A SKETCHES”
*intermittently glances at phone while placing order for 6 burritos so the Chipotle lady thinks they’re for multiple people*
Watching The Blair Witch Project. They brought no alcohol or drugs?
love that every recipe article begins extended background context now. i came here to learn how to cook, but now i’m 6 pages deep into pancake lore. it’s the lord of the rings’ appendices for the modern age.
*train conductor after 15 minutes not moving* ladies and gentlemen you wouldn’t believe the amount of buttons im looking at right now
Women say they like tall men, so I focused on growing til I hit 37 feet but now they just hide as I peer through the treetops, my stride toppling redwoods. They cover their ears when my voice rumbles through the canyons, “HEYYYY LAAAADIES!!!”
Wrong Way Do Not Enter seems like a weird name for a street.
confession: when my barber spins me around and hands me a mirror to check the back I just fake it. Who is even that coordinated?
My grandma was the sweetest. I remember when I was sick she used to rub Vick’s Vapo-Rub on the cat. She was old.
To pay a bill, press 1. To awaken ravenous tentacled horrors that slumber in the void between worlds, press 2. To hear your balance press 3.
And then I go and spoil it all by saying something stupid like – Never just be yourself. There’s something wrong with you.
CW: what did you do to your hair today?
Me: It’s really unclear whether you think it’s good or you think I slept in a ditch.
‘I can quit anytime I want’ I mutter to myself everyday on my way work.
guard 1: choose your path wisely. one of us always lies and one of us alwa-
guard 2: AAAAAAHHH
guard 1: always screams
me: doesn’t that get annoying?
guard 1: *heavy sigh* no it’s actually super awesome