I wish I had remembered this was a rectal thermometer before I’d put it in my mouth for 3 minutes.
You Might Also Like
Stuffs sugar packets into my handbag as I leave the cafe.
Sachets away.
11:34: Arrived at crime scene
11:34: Examined body. Signs of a struggle
11:34: Found murder weapon in drain
11:34: Realized watch was broken
Roasted beef is like regular beef except the cows family tells embarrassing stories about it, which are tough and tasteless.
[talent show audition]
Me: *pressing lips to mic* I’m a coroner by day and a ventriloquist by night
Judge: whose lips are those?
Those magical three words you’ve been waiting so long to hear. Red, or white?
I can’t tell if I lost weight or stretched out my pants beyond the point of no return.
Me: this is shit, I’m changing the channel
Wife: leave the baby monitor alone
I changed my relationship status to “I’m sharpening my knives” on Facebook so my boyfriend’s family will never come visit
Anyone else walk around the house yelling random things so you get weird ads on social media?
My kids played camping today and my job was to stay in the tent and sleep, I’ve never been so good at a game before
Co-worker – Diet coke causes cancer.
Me – My grandfather died at 102.
CW- He used to drink diet coke?
Me – No, he minded his own business.
*bumps into an acquaintance in a world where there’s no such thing as weather* Uhhhhhhhhhhh
Overheard on the bus:
“Stop eavesdropping on our conversation, it’s creepy and you won’t get any funny tweets out of it”
[cutting through Brazilian jungle]
*finds indigenous village*
Hi, I’m a Prime member.
I’d like to complain that my shipping took three days.
Human beings are the absolute worst, so tomorrow I’ll be a wombat.
I get why she built the pillow wall in our bed…but the barbed wire seemed a bit extreme.
Make your day better by imagining people you don’t like floating helplessly into the sun.
I wish people would stop holding back and use social media to tell us how they really feel
How to kill a spider: get a piece of tissue paper, approach it slowly, and very carefully, burn the house down.
ohhhhh my GOD I just told the dog “hey we’ll go for a walk once the baby’s awake, okay?”
and she looked at me, ran upstairs, stuck her head in the nursery, and HOWLED
I mean, who hasn’t faked being goth for an entire year just to get out of being a bridesmaid in their sister’s wedding?
It’s nothing serious, we’re not dating or anything, we just sometimes get brunch together, were just Friends with Benedict.
Funny how whenever I ask someone how a girl I knew is doing, the first thing they say is “married.”
Like that’s gonna stop me!
I ordered side dishes from Cracker Barrel to take to my mom’s for Thanksgiving and when I asked if they would be hot at pick-up the lady said, “Are you taking to someone’s house? Bc it’s going to say Cracker Barrel on the pan so bring dishes.”
Good God that’s customer service.
Before crowbars crows drank alone
I haven’t seen a kid on a leash in a while. I guess parents started releasing them back into the wild.
Want some raisins?
No thanks.
Want some raisins covered in dark chocolate?
Dammit, I’m in.
My new rescue dog has figured out how to step on the pedal and open the trash can.
I don’t think my children ever learned that.
I’d like to assure my concerned neighbors that although I have slowly driven by your house 97 times in the last 20 mins, I am not, in fact, a predator or a stalker. I am waiting for my insomniac toddler to fall asleep.
the answer was staring at me all along