BUZZ LIGHTYEAR: To infinity and beyond!
ME: Nothing is beyond infinity, I demand realism in my talking toy movie
You Might Also Like
There’s a great new book on minimalism but I only read the blurb because I believe that’s what the author would want.
translated into Canadian
If Domino’s was smart, they’d randomly call me asking if they should send over a pizza because the answer would always be yes.
Lambs: “BAAAAAAAAA!!!”
Hannibal Lecter: “Shhhhhh!”
Lambs: “Baaaa!”
Hannibal Lecter: “Shhhh…”
Lambs: “…”
Hannibal Lecter: “Much better.”
First woman that gave birth to twins was prolly like “????????”
What idiot called it ‘telling the future through tea-leaves’ and not ‘brews foresight’?
6 FEET MEANS 6 MF FEET! 😂😩🔥
So if you eat what you like and don’t exercise, eventually you get a motorised scooter.
I’m really not seeing the down side here.
[space launch]
ASTRONAUT: houston we have a problem
ME: *elbows him* lol we’re gonna get mooned
ASTRONAUT: *sighs* houston we have two problems
AVENGERS ASSEMBLE
THOR – “here”
HULK – “here”
IRON MAN – “here”
CAPT. AMERICA – “here”
USELESS ARROW GUY – …
I SAID-
HAWKEYE- I HEARD YOU
All this “Kaine is boring” talk is your reminder that nowadays Abraham Lincoln would have to know parkour or some shit
A: How much to buy a singing ensemble?
B: You mean a choir?
A: Fine, how much to acquire a singing ensemble?
Veteran Parent Tip:
Buying a bullhorn to loudly announce from your car, “Your Uber driver has arrived!” gives you a 73% greater chance of your teens no longer making you wait when picking them up from a friend’s house
I got the scar above my lip from *my time in prison.
*When my coffee mug launched itself out of my cupboard before work.
If you get a present from me with scissors and a roll of tape trapped under the wrapping paper, I’m gonna need those back.
they say plastic straws are ruining the ocean, so i’ve started throwing mine in the garbage instead
Yes, I said I was sorry and that I’d do anything to win you back. But that was before you told me you needed a ride to the airport at 5am.
How to parallel park:
1) Park somewhere else.
We went to a museum and I fell in love with my kids all over again after seeing an obnoxious exhibit called other kids
The forest creatures begin stampeding.
You turn to me, clearly scared.
“We have no reason to fear the animals,” I reassure you.
You smile nervously. “Thank go—”
“Worry about whatever’s spooking them.”
Her: Wow, you know all the right moves in bed. How’s about a second go but this time lose the hat
Ratatouille hiding in my hair: Tell her your head is cold
I knew she’d be trouble the minute she walked into my office, stumbled, knocked over the hat rack, then somehow got her feet entangled in my trench coat and, arms whirling like propellers as she tried to stay upright, sent my bourbon bottle flying, which spilled and ignited, then
Instead of throwing cheese at babies, I would like to gently lay a piece of cheese over a sleeping mouse like a blankie, then when he wakes up, it’s like a bed & breakfast.
oh to be a capybara in an open air bath with an orange on its head
Owen Wilson being held upside down by his ankles: MOM
me: i feel like im being singled out because im the oldest person in this karate class and im winning all my matches
them: this is a daycare and you are under arrest
Christmas is great! You can sit on the lap of a total stranger and no one is offended.
I always sit in the middle stall so I have a bathroom buddy.
My friend has canceled our lunch plans three days in a row. I’m starting to think she really doesn’t like lunch.
Why do people brag about having tall kids, like relax dude all you did was have sex