I thought I drank my coffee too fast and thought I was hallucinating seeing bugs everywhere but it turns out I did in fact leave a window open and a bunch of ants got in
You Might Also Like
Atheists, if Jesus isn’t real then explain this.
Me: *rubs broom back & forth in front of kid gliding in heelys
Friend: pls stop curling children
genie: you have three wishes
me: end the pandemic
genie: [snaps fingers] done
me: get me a good job
genie: there’s too many gaps in your work history
me: i wish to own a home
genie: dude come on
I’ve been taking my Flintstones’ vitamins daily, but I still can’t start a car with my feet.
[pronounces testosterone like macaroni]
A pleasant day enough to misarrange slightly some words.
70% of the Earth’s surface is water. The other 30% is covered in advertisements for The Blacklist.
Dad Dinosaur: Look son a shooting star make a wish!
Angsty Teen Dinosaur: I wish it would hit us and kill us all.
Get yourself a cat who can do plumbing 🙂🐾
You can’t make me jealous. You’re not my friends who send their kids to their grandparents for the summer.
Date: I enjoy living here, but I do miss West Virginia
Me: *excited* MOUNTAIN MAMMAAAA
Date: Would you please stop doing that every time I say West Virg-
Me: MOUNTAIN MAMMAAAA
Date: Ugh, please just take me home
Me: *ecstatic* COUNTRY ROOOADS
Me: Teacher, is it pronounced neither or neither?
T: It’s neither.
Me: So they’re both wrong?
T: I say neither, but you can say either.
Me: It can’t be either neither, you have to pick a neither.
T: Neither the school nor your parents pay me enough for this shit.
*asks grocery store manager to write a note telling my wife that I looked everywhere but couldn’t find the ice cream she wanted*
Therapist: Do you have a support system?
Me: I have a lumbar pillow.
Therapist: No, I mean a family, friends?
Me: I have a lumbar pillow.
I’m bisexual, but I don’t currently have a boyfriend or a girlfriend.
You could say I’m on stand-bi.
I wonder if Pink’s parents are named Red and White.
H: “Whatcha doing?”
Me: “Going on twitter to hang out.”
H: “Twitter is an app, not a place.”
Me: *whispers venomously* “Is too a place!!”
“Is that the guy who doesn’t know how to use the word poignant?”
Yea shhh he’s coming over here
THE GUY: hey guys! long time no poignant
teacher: where is your assignment?
me: my dog ate it-
[i see my dog standing outside the classroom window. he draws a line across his throat]
me: i mean there was a fire. a homework fire.
INTERVIEWER: *putting down phone* Your Twitter account says you’ve had 148 jobs.
If I were a wrestler, my fighting name would be Pain Austen.
Learning how to break wooden boards in karate is important in case you ever get in a fight with a house.
Kanye West tweeted that Bieber’s ‘What Do You Mean?’ was 2015’s best song.
The “…which wouldn’t happened without me” tweet coming soon.
Get your employees to work harder by “accidentally” leaving articles on the printer about reducing staff.
[car appreciation parade for child’s teacher]
Me [hanging out window with paper]: HOW ARE WE SUPPOSED TO DO #5?!?
One Mississippi… two Mississippi… just kidding! One Mississippi is quite enough.
I have Facebook like reflexes.
“Don’t you mean cat-like reflexes?”
*throws a book and hits you right in the face*
The Pillsbury Doughboy has died. Services will be at 350 degrees for 30-40 minutes.
Could you even imagine the crime rate if no one drank coffee or ate bacon.
Mayonnaise is cum. When you put it on a sandwich, you’re spreading cum on your bread. When you ask for it on a burger, you ordered cum.