The pitter patter of little feet is one of the most joyful sounds in the world…
…unless it’s 3am…
…and it’s coming from your roof.
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I could never run for any kind of office because if someone published how badly I lost I would cry.
If I could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead, I’d want to know who’s paying.
Sperm 1: “Geez I’m exhausted, how much further to the Fallopian tubes?”
Sperm 2: “A long way, we’ve just passed the tonsils…”
We just walked into a Target and my wife said we don’t need a buggy and I don’t know what I’m supposed to do in here without a buggy to push.
My dad loves telling the story of when I was young I asked ”when is someone going to die, so I can move from the kids’ table?”
I’m eating tacos while wrapped up inside my tortilla blanket. I’m a taco eating a taco. It’s glorious
Some people will put ketchup on anything: one time I found a first edition of Wuthering Heights in my dad’s attic & I just couldn’t resist.
Me: what was with King Solomon having 300 concubines?
Bible scholar: it’s a mistranslation
[Flashback]
King Solomon: more porcupines
When my burger was ready, the clerk called out “867?”
I yelled back 5309.
No one laughed.
I am old.
Petulant: (defn.) a cat or dog you let a friend borrow
I notice you only call when you want something
Person calling: ma’am your bill is 90 days past due
5: You guys picked me and 3 as your kids because we’re so good. You could have picked the bad kids that other parents chose.
Me to H: [whispers] Should we tell her that if we could have picked we would have chosen better kids than her and 3?
Girls are always taking your hoodies but you take one of their dresses and suddenly they’re all like “we need to talk.”
To the people complaining about my tweets. Sorry I’m not justifying your monthly subscription of $0
I create my own luck. Also, my own problems. I’m very creative.
Well, I’ve put it off long enough. I guess I should check on those wraith-like noises coming from the attic. I’ll be right back.
me: “i don’t appreciate being laughed at”
seaworld employee: “sir that’s just the noise dolphins make”
My neighbor’s 13-month old only has four teeth. She’s way too young to being doing that much meth.
[roommate watching me after my gf leaves] just tell her. she probably loves hair
[me taking off bald cap] im in too deep now
*At an auction*
Me: So…I’m outta cash. 😬
Host: What now? 🤨
Me *bids farewell*
Are people who write “prolly” rather than “probably” just lazy, completely illiterate, or do they actually think that’s a word?
A rusted van sits under a bridge.
Rats gnaw on moldy Scooby Snacks.
Shaggy takes a hit off the pipe.“WHY COULDN’T YOU LOVE ME VELMA?”
H: Why do you always wear your hair in a ponytail?
Me: I can’t afford a face lift.
where did you get them pants?
[wife goes to answer but stops then narrows her eyes] you’re not going as me for halloween again are you?
You: I’m so hard on myself.
People on the internet: Hold my beer.
BREAKING: North Dakota lawmakers decide life begins at conception, and then begins again the moment you’re old enough to leave North Dakota
Rick Astley: Do you have any Pixar movies I can borrow?
Me: You can have Cars, Toy Story & Ratatouille, but I’m never gonna give you UP.
My fortune cookie reads “I peed in your fried rice” and it’s hand written…
I keep my bouncy castle in my basement so I don’t get blown away.
Dating app: If you were a bird, what kind of bird would you be?
Me: I’d be a subway pigeon or one of those crows that eats mostly garbage