Ghost sightings are stupid. same with ufos and bigfoot. try spotting something people will actually believe. run into your buddy at the store
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The person who figures out how to marry someone without marrying their family too, will win the Nobel Peace Prize
Apparently hospitals are not the best place to start unplugging things so you can charge your iPhone.
I’d rather my son bring home a pregnant girl than head lice
It’s funny how—especially in small towns—we think of lit porch lights as a symbol of welcoming. I leave mine on so the guy who paints himself purple won’t steal any more of my chairs.
I forget how hitchhiking works- do I murder them or do they murder me? I don’t want it to be awkward.
Parenting tip: If your kids are fighting in the back seat of the car, stick your arm over and swing it around a bunch. That’ll show em’.
I can only assume that when realtors list a “modest home,” that means it is a house that has never once worn leggings or yoga pants
If you call the coffee mugs by your bed “a collection”, you never have to take them to the sink
When guys tweet selfies they should totally place a few cartons of eggs into the background “accidentally” so women know they can afford eggs.
doctor: no heavy exercise for a month
me: I should get a bell to put by my bed so everyone will know if I need something
dr: normal activity should be fine
me: I should get a flatscreen for the ceiling
dr: uh
me: oooh I should hire someone to turn my pillows to the cool side
“What do you want? I’m very busy.”
“Afternoon, ma’am, my name is-“
“Who is it, Mom?”
“No one, go finish your homework.”
captain: *drops anchor over side of boat*
me: great now who’s gonna do the news
“Hang out with different people everyday so the only person who knows you’ve been wearing the same outfit all week is you” – my fashion blog
British people react to the @BBC posting baseball content on twitter… 😭
her: my parents are gone 😉
liam neeson: ok when did u see them last
“What’s that?”
A divorce jar. Every time we fight you put a dollar in and I’m a little bit closer to freedom.
*puts in dollar* “WTH!?!”
I know my kids moved back to school by my credit card alerts
Everyone on Instagram has pics of them at places all over the world & I’m like here’s another shot of me from a different angle on my sofa
How many vultures circling you is good luck?
[Wendy’s Job Interview]
INTERVIEWER: Ok let’s role play. You’re working the drive through and I’m a customer ordering.
ME: Sir please get back in your car.
INTERVIEWER: {under breath} Brilliant.
For a brief moment, I got excited because I thought my toothpaste said anti-plague instead of anti-plaque.
Why stop at weighted blankets? Put a boulder on me.
My diet starts in January
of 2027
Star Wars VII: the force awakens
Star Wars VIII: the force goes out to play
Star Wars IX: goodnight force
Scientists report global context shortage. “I guess I’ll have flan,” some scientist said, totally out of context.
Never knew why pajama tops had pockets on them, but I just filled mine up with cookies to bring back to bed and now it makes complete sense.
My favourite interaction on this hellish site just happened
nobody:
90’s boybands:
(-(-_(-_-)_-)-)
If Spiderman really did whatever a spider can, he’d scare the shit out of women and get his ass kicked with a flip-flop.
People are waiting for flying cars and I’m just waiting for my supermarket to install cup holders on trolleys so I can have tea while I shop