Welcome to parenthood. You now see every movie six years after it came out. Except for Disney movies. You see all of those immediately and on repeat.
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[hitchhiking]
Driver: I hope you’re not a serial killer, haha
Me *getting in*: well, I wouldn’t say ’serial‘
Wife: I’ve blisters on my hands from the broom.
Me: Take the car next time!
Witches these days have it so easy. Do you know how hard it used to be to find so many newts? Now you get them with free 2 day shipping.
Everybody’s talking about the super obnoxious drunk guy at the bar last night. I was at that same bar and I didn’t even notice him. Weird.
The extreme amount of stress I feel when crawling into my sleeping child’s room to leave tooth fairy money proves I could never make it as a spy
Me: *cleaning blood oozing from the walls* the ghost said it will quit haunting our house if you just put your stuff away
Husband: I said I would do it
Me: *being dragged to the basement by an invisible force* JUST PUT IT AWAAAAAAY
Husband: omg, you don’t have to nag
I’m going to start an emo group called System of a Frown.
My ex says he’s dating someone new but according to his Instagram she’s a sandwich
This Thanksgiving, take a break from arguing with people online and do it in person.
Imagine falling in love and getting married in space only to return to earth to find out what you each really look like with gravity.
“You can’t stand there.”
“Not there, either.”
“Nope that spot’s taken, too.”-Ground hogs
Friend: What’s it like having kids?
Me: *crushes cracker and sneezes it into their face*
I bet Gloria Estefan’s kids were terrified of rhythm.
going to work so embarrassing, letting everybody know you need money
I don’t friend zone people I relationship zone them. You want to be my friend? Too bad, we’re dating.
Dear boyfriend, i can make ur girlfriend scream louder than u can.
Sincerely, spiders
I throw naked mini-wheats back in the box like I’m not the one who’s gonna get stuck with the bowl of naked mini-wheats in the end
Saw an old man dancing in the street, and couldn’t help but wonder if he had finally paid off his student loan.
Therapist: So you had another breakthrough?
Kool-Aid Man: Look I am so sorry we were making so much progress
Me: I’ve decided to be the girl from The Grudge.
Friend: For Halloween?
Me: For what?
my son just asked me where do pizzas come from adn has yet to ask me where do babeys come from. thats my boy
I’d travel halfway across the world just to drop an anvil on your head.
MYSTERY BOMBER: i have planted a bomb in your car. if you drive under 55 it will explo-
ME: *slams on brakes*
(to the tune of We Will Rock You)
I feed my dog dog food
No matter how much you drink Michael Bay is still somewhere directing a “Transformers” movie.
Turns out my parenting style is more “Disney villain” and less “Disney princess.”
Biden: I wonder if I’ll still get free ice cream when I’m no longer VP
Obama: Joe, we have bigger problems.
Biden:
In 3rd grade I cheated off my friend Rena’s test because I didn’t know where Washington DC was. Turns out she didn’t know where it was either.
Relationship Status:
Got put in the friend zone by a succubus playing around on a Ouija board.
I can’t even get lucky in the spirit world.
Sorry about that time I gave you advice that would have made your life ten times better. Good thing you chose to completely ignore it. Phew.