I just hit my toe and it was at that moment I realized I spoke 4 different languages
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BUZZ ALDRIN: I spy, with my little eye, something beginning with E.
NEIL ARMSTRONG: Earth?
BUZZ: Nope
*5 minutes silence*
BUZZ: OK, yep.
I bring my Roomba to parties, so I’m not the most awkward thing moving throughout the room.
If your wife makes a comment and you ask “how is that my problem?” It just became your problem.
You can confuse and ultimately disappoint a lot of people if your trick or treating costume is “pizza delivery man”
Coachella was invented in 1999 when someone accidentally planted a headband in the desert
Once I get this cortisone cream on it’s gonna be all over for you itches.
Guy who invented coffee:
“Don’t even talk to me until I’ve invented coffee”
October’s cool because you can buy 60 Snickers, 48 beers, a hockey mask, chainsaw, 30 leaf bags and the cashier won’t even acknowledge it.
Kid: WAAAHH! MY TOY IS BROKEN!!
Dad: Nothing a little duct tape won’t fix…
Kid: mfflr..frrrr..strnnn
Want proof advertising works?
I just bought a Goodyear blimp.
Bragging about how much you receive in alimony only demonstrates how much someone was willing to pay to get rid of you.
There’s been a fire at London Zoo. Apparently two stick insects were having sex and it all got out of control.
Ibuprofen, youbuprofen, weallbuprofen.
Sometimes, when he’s really pissed me off, I like to log into his Netflix account and rate every romantic teen drama five stars.
buys donuts instead
Robber *gun to my head* sign in to your account
Me *wiping tears* I can’t remember my password
Robber: Ask for a hint. And if you cry again, I’ll shoot
Me: ok ok
Computer: What was the name of your first dog?
Me: oh no
I’m just a girl standing here wishing I was as thin as my patience
Dear chapsticks that keep getting lost,
Take me with you.
My phone has been on silent since 2015 but will still check to see if it’s my phone if I hear a phone ring in public
Pro tip, if you go to a therapist and are in the waiting room, never EVER put on a fake prison accent and ask another person “So what’re you in for?”
Paul Dano has his priorities and it kills me
*opens briefcase and presentation about 9/11 conspiracies falls out*
But that means
[cut to my son giving presentation about cool dinosaurs]
[3 AM]
Me: Why are any of us here, really?
Zoo security guard: I’m asking about you, specifically.
“It’s summer! Yay! No more school shootings!” – American children.
I really want a family
sized bag of peanut butter m&ms
It doesn’t matter how many signs I put up around the office, HR said high five a co-worker in the face with a shovel day isn’t a thing.
Nurse: “It says here you’re lacoste intolerant? Is that a typo?”
Me: “No. I just really, really can’t stand polos with crocodiles on them.”
Watching the end credits of a movie so you can take note of the producer & director and never ever watch anything else that they make
●︿●
[hangs a sixth set of wind chimes along the property line]
That’s for blasting country music at your backyard party last weekend, Rick.
My patience is like a gift card, not sure how much is left but lets give it a try