The 4 year old thinks a cat’s tail is it’s underwear because it covers the butthole. I can’t really argue with that logic.
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parenting hack: take your kids to the park then just leave them there. start a new life. be you. enjoy traveling again. make new friends that don’t care what color the cup or bowl is. you don’t need that negativity in your life. be free.
*runs a marathon how Mick Jagger dances*
Demon: This is Hell’s library
-Seems…nice? Just looks like a library.
OPEN ONE!
-Ok *opens* This is in Comic Sans!
*cackles* They all are!
My toddler just put the parent down for a nap in her dolls house and I’m trying to figure out where she’s got this idea that parents ever sleep because it’s definitely not here
My kid is gonna make an awesome lawyer, she can already prove me wrong by recalling every single one of my inconsistent parenting precedents
I wanted a 6 pack, so I started Hip Hop abs.
Quit 1/3 of the way through.
Ended up with a 2Pac.
Me to my 7yo: Why are you sleeping naked with one mitten on?
7: Because I couldn’t find the second mitten
Me: A stranger is just a friend you haven’t met.
Stranger: No.
Let’s all bow our heads and pray for my husband who very tragically asked me what I did all day.
Pro tip: Make sure your email to the HR lady doesn’t say she seems too busty to handle your issues
I invented a gun that fires strawberries, but it keeps getting jammed.
1ST MAN: I’m sorry, I-
1ST HORSE: It’s fine.
M:
H:
M: It’s just why BOTH walk? So I thoug-
H: I said it’s fine Gary, stop bringing it up!
Don’t forget to tip your server
Quadruple digit IQ
Dear toilet paper companies
I think it’s safe to say you can stop airing tv commercials
Had my arms full of groceries, struggled to get my front door unlocked, & the door caught the back of my shoe & pulled it right off. I stumbled & dropped my groceries. Shoe stayed stuck outside my door. Worst remake of Cinderella ever.
TSA agent: Did you leave your baggage unattended?
Me: *Thinks about crushing weight of all previous life experiences* Nope got it all here with me
An apple a day keeps no one away unless you have meticulously good aim.
the inventor of archery: man i wanna stab that guy over there
I bet once Bigfoot tries cheeseburgers he’s gonna wanna hangout with us all the time.
Date: I can’t believe you never saw titantic
Me: To be fair, it did sink before I was born
Tip for great hair: Don’t wash it for 17 days. Finally shower. Wait for the compliments to roll in.
[at the zoo]
HER: look at that leopard
ME: beautiful
HER: what do you suppose it’s thinking?
ME [so loud]: gunter glieben glauchen globen
When Ted Cruz kisses a baby, its parents have to throw it out and start over.
Falling asleep at work didn’t get me in trouble. Falling asleep at work and snoring got me in trouble.
The best part about diet and exercise plans is the research phase. Which is why I stop there
Yah I ordered a large pizza but it’s thin crust/ light cheese so basically it’s a salad .
Our credit card was stolen but
I decided not to report it ….The thief is spending less
than my wife did.
This tape doesn’t even taste like scotch.