Bought a bag of frozen chopped onions because wedding confetti should be biodegradable and bird safe.
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waiter: any questions?
me: did courtney kill kurt??
him: uh, about the menu?
me: LOL i seriously doubt she killed him about the menu
[if ‘cahoots’ meant love]
Me: I’m in cahoots with you. I’ve always been in cahoots with you.
Person: I’ve told you. I’m in cahoots with someone else. You and I could never be in cahoots. I’m sorry, I’m so sorry.
Last night I was walking Bizzy, and a friendly stranger asked how old she was. When I told him, he said: “She don’t walk like she’s 15 though!!!” I…I think he catcalled my dog?
People in the UK eat more bananas than monkeys.
In 2014 they ate 73,432,384 bananas and only 6 monkeys.
The government is dysfunctional and needs to be fixed I’ll probably fall in love with it any minute
You’re a dog person? *Throws a stick* Well? Aren’t you going to run after it or are you cool with being a normal human that’s also a liar?
I accidentally confused Star Trek with Star Wars and some kid threatened to cut me with his Virgin card.
My husband just asked me “what are you eating now?” He’s officially declared war
ME: I can’t believe it’s not butter
FRIEND: This is a shoe
ME: Omg I can’t believe it
The average Hollywood producer green-lights 8 Spiderman reboots in his sleep
Impressing the woman sitting next to me on the plane by scrolling through all the games on my Nintendo Switch and muttering “too easy” under my breath at each one.
Please excuse the state of my house, it will be clean if you can come back in 2053 when all my kids have moved out.
This is why you don’t eat at everybody house
Fact: ants can lift 20 times their body weight, more if a bro is spotting them.
Sorry sir, I don’t do colonoscopies until at least the fourth date, maybe the second sometimes.
Manager: You’re terrible at taking criticism
*manager is hit by a chair*
Me: How so?
DATE [annoyed] in your profile, it said u had amazing abs
ME [slams car to a stop] Amy it’s the best anti-lock braking system I’ve ever had
Sorry I hacked your e-cig. You’ve actually been vaping a dead bird for a month.
astrology is fake.
my sign is two fish. and YET, i am just one human and bad at swimming
(Standing next to pool with a golf club and horse)
Friends: Are you sure you’ve played water polo before?
Protip: To get teens to help bring in groceries, always ask if they want anything before you leave. They’ll be waiting at the door when you return.
“Ready for the peep show, sailor?”
are you comfortable? perfect, your kid needs something
as a teen did you ever steal your moms booze and fill it back up with water, or steal money out of her purse and fill it back up with water
ME: babe i don’t think the acid we dropped is working
GIANT BLUE OX: are you sure
Want to change your name without any legal hassles? Just come up with a new pronunciation, the government isn’t even keeping track of that. Congratulations Brenda, you’re Breenday now and no one can stop you
I wish I could find a job where I got paid as a “breadwinner,” but alas, good things come to those who cake.
Put a pill in wife’s mouth while asleep
“WTF you doing?”
“for your headache.”
“I don’t have one!”
Just what I wanted to hear!
*unzip flys
Just farted loudly outside my office before checking to see if anyone was nearby. Nobody was. It’s called the #edge, & I am #livin on it
Bread puns are on the rise!