MAGICIAN: i will now make my assistant disappear
ASSISTANT: *covers eyes with hands*
AUDIENCE FULL OF BABIES: *gasp with wonder and delight*
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How do I rate our solar system?
One star
Her: You know, alot of men are going to be miserable when I marry.
Me: Well how many men do you plan to marry?
there is nothing more wonderful than the laughter of children, except possibly my own laughter when I’m chasing them off my lawn while swinging a 2×4 with a nail in it
Autocorrect changed fairly big meeting to fairy bug meeting so now everyone in the office is stripping and running away to the forest.
presidents day is just a holiday created by “Big President” to get us to buy more presidents
legally you can do anything in a library as long as you’re quiet
The older I get, the less judgy I am of Norman Bates spending his life with a dead lady in a chair
Let them kids believe in Santa! You believe you’re cute no one says shit
If you work for UPS or FedEx, you speak Parceltongue.
On HGTV they can flip a house in a month and I’ve been “getting ready to vacuum” for the past two weeks.
All I’m saying is pulling a lion out of your hat is actually much more impressive than pulling a rabbit out of your hat.
The flight attendant has said “..and one in the rear” 3 times now and I’m Paul. I’m 12 years old.
Zombies never bite hipsters.
They taste fine.
We just don’t want to spend eternity hearing them say they became undead before it was cool.
My face is permanently frozen into this scowl. You were right, Grandma.
Slave: I know a way to escape
Hipster slave: My friend Harriet has a better way. You probably haven’t heard of it. It’s really underground.
Do your friends know that you’re asking people on Twitter about their issues?
-Asking for a friend.
Anyone: You go girl!
Me: Omg, ok. Yes. Finally. *walks away*
wayward son: alright, i’m done, where’s the pizza
kansas: no we said PEACE when-
wayward son: you’re screwing with me right
When an American says he has a side piece, I’m not sure if it’s a woman or a weapon.
*shows up at your potluck with a handful of McDonald’s ketchup packets*
“Michael just bought a popcorn popper. You know what he probably wants to buy next? *Another* popcorn popper.”
-Amazon suggestions logic
Local Thai place no longer suffering fools
if I eat the entire box of girl scout cookies at once then I’ll only hate myself one time instead of each time I eat them do the math sweetie
Quinoa was invented by someone who really wanted to win at scrabble.
*reaches for the stars*
Stars: I have a boyfriend
Meanwhile, at School:
Teacher- “How much is a gram?”
Laure- “Depends on what you want”
Teacher- “Out, just get out”
#YouOwnedHimDude
we need a disney princess who is the shark from the movie Jaws
Closed pistachios are further proof there is no god.
Me: gets up, wakes kids, empties dishwasher, makes lunches, helps make kid beds, does kids’ hair, makes breakfast for everyone, showers, makes coffee, does laundry
Hubs:
They didn’t leave much room for new models when they called it the ‘ULTRA-Sound’. “Mr Sutherland, I’ll book you in for a Sonic-Boom”