Nature: How many legs do you guys want to have?
Ant: 6 is cool.
Spider: 8 is fine
Snake: Don’t need any.
Millepede: Like 1,000.
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me: i just quit cold turkey
turkey: *outside in the snow banging on window* please baby i can change
[ Mt. Everest camp ]
First climber: hey where’s your buddy?
Second climber: idk he must have gotten up on the wrong side of bed.
Hey kids, for Halloween, let’s go to a spooooky place full of scaaaary, oppressive people & a guy who riiiises from the dead!
Kids: Church?
Saw a friend I haven’t seen in over 20 years tonight. She asked if I had any pics of my kids. You don’t realize how many pics of Harry Styles, Louis Tomlinson & dogs you have until someone is hovering over you. The scrolling I had to do to get to pics of my real children. 🤦🏼♀️
LOL at vegetarians coming to my house for a BBQ! Feel free to eat my lawn.
L-O-L!
I was wondering how lightning worked, then it struck me.
Me: “I’ve been really under the weather lately.”
Doctor: “When did your symptoms start?”
Me (checks watch): “1985.”
*coworker walks into bathroom, triggering the motion sensor that turns the lights on*
ME: [from one of the stalls] Welcome.
Jeff is here!
“Jeff from work or Jeff the guy who announces his arrival anytime he enters a room”
Jeff is here!
roses are red,
what happened to “yeet”?
are we still dabbing?
heyooo send tweet.
Be kind. Everyone is going through something. Heartache. Financial stress. Their bananas ripened too quickly. Having the song from the Jardiance commercial stuck in their head because it’s aired 5 million times a day.
We all have our battles to fight.
guilty
Today it’s going to be really important that you listen well because we have to take a plane, train, and subway—
7yo: did you know if you spin in a circle really fast like this you fall down?
Carjacking does not mean what I thought but somehow I’m still arrested?
[after the thousandth time making a mess while cooking eggs]
ME: there’s gotta be a better way!
WIFE: *hands me a pan* stop using the toaster dumbass
My kids’ school sends home so much artwork I’ve had to buy 8 refrigerators since September.
I’m vacuuming all the snacks out of the couch in the game room and my dog is devastated because I found her secret stash.
they need to increase life expectancy so I can squeeze in another mid-life crisis
[breathing]
“I could do this all day.”
Guide to making everyone hate you:
Step 1) Turn your hat backwards
I’m opening a funeral home that has a bar in it. I know right?
the problem with being 39 is i don’t feel old but also everywhere i go plays the music too loud
Have you ever accidentally ended a business call with “I love you?” Oh yeah me neither.
Warring nations should hurl their politicians at each other.
Interviewer: Says here you train monkeys to read and talk
Me: Yes and you’re doing great *gives him a raisin*
Back to the gym after a lengthy hiatus and noticed they made everything heavier, weird
found this sweet little abandoned chocolate lab at the park today
I’m the only person breathing through my nose at this Walmart
Ask yourself this: will it matter a year from now?
If the answer is yes, I am sorry. You were supposed to say no.