Sandwich: Hi. Barman: Sorry, we dont serve food in here.
You Might Also Like
ME: Is that a B or an 8?
HUSBAND: It’s a D. When are you going to get reading glasses?
ME: My eyes are fine. The print is too small.
KID: It’s an O. You’re both blind.
I’m not interested in your cat unless it’s on its 8th life and about to do something incredibly stupid.
[introducing myself to new boyfriends parents]
“Hi, I usually don’t make it this far”
I lost 800 pounds (7 friends) since i started the keto diet
my son just asked me where do pizzas come from adn has yet to ask me where do babeys come from. thats my boy
My neighbor broke up w her bf and piled all his stuff on the curb and I just added a boxspring to it bc I’ve been meaning to get rid of it
“wya?” my limit bro. i’m at my limit
Who called it a “Brazilian wax” and not “another way to skin the cat?
C’mon, dude. Man up and ask her if she likes me.
[Court]
Me *taking the witness stand*
Judge: Hey, put that back!
me: ah shit, 4 missed calls from my mom…[stares at door]
[FBI agents kick in door] WHY DO U EVEN HAVE A CELL PHONE IF U NEVER ANSWER IT
them: what time do you put your kids to bed
me: as soon as possible
You can even hide a dead body in Terms & Conditions, No one will ever know.
I’m not rich in money, but I’m rich in friends and family.
You know, the bad kind of rich.
My mother in law did not appreciate my request she “say hello to jesus for me” on her way out the door for mass
Want to talk trash? Recycle.
[Doctor’s Office]
Sir, it appears you have takes-everything-literally disease.
“Is it bad, doc?”
Yes, but bear in mind-
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
“Are you going to apologize for what you said?”
“I’m sorry I feel that way.”
Good Cop: step away from the ledge
Cat Cop [pushes person off] oops
*sleepy*
*so sleepy*
*SO SO sleepy*
*brush my teeth*
WIDE AWAKE.
*struts into the new year
~ trips
The moderator on this ‘brainstorming’ conference call emphasized that there were “no dumb ideas,” a claim soundly disproven within the first few minutes of the discussion.
<– Pops double collar and eats hamburger with a fork and knife
I do my best speed walking when I’m trying to beat another customer to the checkout at the liquor store.
I’m implementing a new policy in my house: any child who is awake past bedtime can either go to sleep or clean the oven, no exceptions
Boss: You gonna get any work done today?
Me: Sorry Boss, I was up late watching the game, I’ll pick it up.
B: Who won?
M: Jack Daniels
*spills water on pants*
ok don’t let anyone think you peed your pants
“hey what happ–”
MY WATER BROKE, GET ME TO THE HOSPITAL
Q: What isn’t yours after you lick it?
A: Envelope
My younger daughter has been in her bedroom looking at screens the last three years and I have forgotten her first name.
People who wake up perky:
1) whoa…that’s enough
2) see number 1