“I’m down for whatever,” I say, before falling asleep.
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My 8yo did a great job on his school project so he gets to pick any restaurant for dinner and so tonight we’ll be dining at the gas station.
Finally found the perfect background for my zoom meetings
If you watch Home Alone backwards it’s a loving story about an 8 year old boy that heals two men that were savagely beaten
Take the road less traveled. Like, the one with the most mud, or the wettest grass, even if there’s a sidewalk nearby.
-Kids
A milkshake in the yard yields hornets. Therefore, place a hidden milkshake in the yard of your enemies.
Alfred: About your girlfriend Catwoman…
Batman: Yes, she’s a thief, but-
A: No, she pooped on the rug again. Right next to the litter box!
You can’t buy gifts from a sex offender registry. I know this now.
My 3 year old daughter lost screen time for misbehavior, and now she keeps trying to talk to me.
Well-played, kid. Well-played.
wtf management?!
Basically every plane is missing to me. I couldn’t tell you where a single plane is
[5am]
Cat: *retching in the hallway*
Me: *tired moan*
My dog: *kisses my forehead* I’ll go.
I was going to delete that tweet with the typo but then I realized it was upsetting people.
My wife and I just finished an intense 6-month mediation to pick the movie we’re going to fall asleep 10 minutes into.
I’m so glad that I got my big grocery shopping trip out of the way on Sunday. Now I only have to stop at the store 750 times during the week.
It’s hard to think about mama johns staying home with all the children johns while papa johns are away at pizza wars.
Alexa, break up with my girlfriend for me.
Alexa: You don’t have a girlfriend.
Wow you’re fast.
I am only one bad decision away from selling pictures of my feet covered in cookie dough to strangers on the internet.
YOU (trying to insult me): I bet you’re fun at parties
ME (insulted but the wrong way): I am not! How dare you
Me: I wanta quit
Boss: I need a formal resignation
Me: fine. I beseech thee, kindly give me leave of this hellhole
Cashier: do you want cash back?
Me: I mean who wouldn’t. There’s ring of fire, I walk the line. Let’s not forget his christmas album
My kids asked me how to spell desert and dessert so I told them to type it both ways and see what emojis pop up
In public
4: (loudly) Mummy, I stroked your back hair!
Me: Yes, you stroked THE BACK OF MY HAIR
Protip: Never look up from your breakfast if you hear the words “gruesome discovery” coming from your TV on the morning news.
I like to pretend that the dog follows me everywhere because she’s my biographer and not because she just wants food
Someone tweeted that they had just baked some synonym buns.
I replied, “Just like the ones grammar used to make?”
Now, I’m blocked.
TRAIN’S HERE
I successfully hid chocolate chip cookies from my children, making today’s parenting score:
Kids: 43,290
Mom: 1
I’m beginning to suspect I wasn’t sold a corgi
*Gandalf rollerblades into the club*
“YO DJ PLAY SOME DIRTY DUBSTE–
*slips on a drink & lands flat on face* “SCRAP THAT CALL AN AMBULANCE