Apparently the main job qualification for being a pirate was that you had to be named after a beard.
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Me: What’s your favorite fruit?
Son #2: Tacos.
Me: No, I said fruit.
S2: You have my answer.
Me: You’re cleaning out the basement?
Her: Yes I am decluttering my life. I have a new rule: If I haven’t used it in 3 months, I’m getting rid of it.
Me: I guess I’ll be packing my bags then.
There was a time you couldn’t drive a computer if you didn’t have a driving license…
Me: Honey, would you please go downstairs and get mommy’s medicine and bring it up to her?
3yo: *Brings up a bottle of whiskey*
Me:
Hubby: “Well, she’s not wrong…”
The Fast & The Furious 10: Now They All Work At AutoZone Together
Dr: You have palpitations
Me: You mean my heartbeat’s off?
Dr: Hearts can’t beat off HAHAHAHA
Me: HAHAHAHAHA- [goes into cardiac arrest]
doctor: where does it hurt
me: everywhere
doctor: where specifically
me: well right now, in your office
[spelling bee]
Your word is “pneumonia”.
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Of course, you can use any word in a sentence. No more hints.
When a southern mom tells you that you look like a little doll baby you might hope she means Barbie but she definitely means Cabbage Patch
Interviewer: How did you hear about the position?
Me: *sweating profusely* W-with my ears.
My husband wants to make cauliflower crust pizza so now I have to run to the grocery store and find a new husband.
This wine tastes like everyone can go make their own dinner.
I could be in a store desperately looking for gauze to treat a knife wound and I’d still tell a clerk that approached me I was just browsing
“That’s me in a nutshell.”
A peanut’s photo album.
Alexa play Metallica…
Alexa play Metallica…
Alexa play Metallica…
Wife: what are you doing?
Me: Trying to get this piece of shit to play some music
Wife: Well 1st off, that’s my coffee thermos you moron…
Hypnotist: Let’s go back to your childhood. Where are you now?
Me: I’m watching Golden Girls with my grandmother.
H: Which episode?
M: The one with the dance contest.
H *opening bag of chips*: Go on….
Personal trainer: So what’s your goal?
Me: I wanna look good in pictures that I’m not taking myself!!
I put my hand upon your hip
And then I steal yo queso dip
When something with a lifetime warranty breaks, they send a hitman to your house.
Inflatable mattresses are great if you like your bed to slowly eat you.
I’m a bit of a traditionalist, so on my birthday, I smear my body with embryonic fluid.
Her: It would really mean a lot to my mother if you came
Me *pulling out*: I know she wants grandkids but we’re not ready
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: attention passengers is anyone here a doctor
PASSENGERS: sorry no
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: um ok then is anyone here a pilot
kid: dad how do you make a bubble?
me: well son you take an asset, and you give people a reason to value that asset at a much higher price than it’s intrinsic worth, thus triggering speculative investments-
kid: *puts away bubble blower and soap*
My laugh is like what you’d hear if a hyena and seal were mating and it wasn’t going very well.
Priest: *running from confessional hyperventilating*
me: *chasing after him* HEY WAIT THERE’S‘ MORE.
The most elusive of all creatures is the camo camo camo camo camo chameleon
[drinking my 5th coffee of the day] imma put this body on vibrate
Therapist: so… that’s not a metaphor? you literally live in a maze?
Minotaur: well yeah, I- wait is that bad? why are you writing
People are asking if capes are welcome at #ScienceMarch – yes – but please think of the aerodynamics if it happens to be windy!