Music can take you places instantly.
Like whenever I hear Nickelback
playing on my car radio…It instantly takes me to another station.
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Ooop, you spit-talked on me. I’m just gonna pretend nothing happened and freak out inside my mind.
Me: intuitive eating is easy. It’s all about listening to your body
My body: I’m begging you…eat a vegetable….please
Me: what’s that? More cheese?
Kid: He is the baddest person in the whole world
Me: Baddest isn’t a word, u can say worst
Kid: What is worst
Me: It means very bad
Kid: How bad
Me:
Kid:
Me: Baddest
*Action movie guy gets shot 3 times* It’s nothing, I’ll be fine. *gets shot a 4th time* Wow ok, that last one, ok whoooooo.
like u make the diseases or are against them ?
[At microphone]
*clears throat*
“Salsa. Ballet. Conga. Waltz. Jitterbug. Tap.”
*crowd cheers*
“Thanks for attending my dance recital.”
Duck Dynasty guy is right– if we baptize all those ISIS guys, Iraq will be safe because Christians never start wars for bullshit reasons.
People who ask themselves what Jesus would do seem to forget just how badly things worked out for him.
My wife went on a lot of roller coasters when she was pregnant with our daughter Katelyn, and you can tell 🙁
One time I met a karate instructor who didn’t have a ponytail so I called the police
Go girl power!
amazon trucks should play a lil song so we know they’re coming
My mom at 25: Married, one kid
Me at 25: Wakes up holding a chicken tender after a night of drinking
Ok, Don’t let them know you’re an egg
“Mr Yolk, you are 20 minutes late for this interview”
[drags on cig] I was getting laid by a chick
Me to my 18yo, who doesn’t like chocolate: What do you crave when you have your period?
Her: Justice.
WD-40 doesn’t stop my joints from creaking, in case anyone else was considering this.
Any weekend is a Vampire Weekend if you can’t look at yourself in the mirror afterwards.
“Eighty-seven percent of people think lasers are friggin’ awesome.” – Pew Pew Pew Research Center
No one wants to talk about Dracula’s defining quality, turning into thousands of bats to avoid human contact.
I’m not average. I’m mean.
Amazon thinks my recent humidifier purchase was merely the inaugural move in a newfound hobby of humidifier collecting.
Cat is stressing him out.
Medusa was the absolute worst when it came to objectifying people.
USPS: does this package contain any perishables
me, in a cake, in the box: I’LL BE FINE
Gordon Ramsey: Tell us about your dish
Me, a dad: Just eat it because I’m not making anything else
Expectant Parent: What’s it like being a parent?
Me: Have you ever wrestled an alligator covered in vaseline?
Expectant Parent:
Me: Don’t worry, you’ll learn.
WELCOME TO THE JUNGLE
WE GOT DIRT AND TREES
WE ALSO GOT SOME LIZARDS
BUT MOSTLY DIRT AND TREES
Don’t you hate when you do something out of the kindness of your heart & someone gets upset because you shoved a pack of gum in their mouth?
I’m “misinterprets hand gesture and accidentally high fives your fist” white.