This is your captain speaking. Would someone who knows how to be a pilot please come up? I’m literally just pressing buttons.
You Might Also Like
ME: my stomach hurts
STOMACH: you ate too much
ME: maybe I need something to settle it down
STOMACH: no
ME: but what?
STOMACH: nothing
ME: maybe something carbonated
STOMACH: pepto bismol
ME: yes a beer
Just now on tube. Man in rush loses coat draped round shoulders in train doors. Woman retrieves it and calls out ‘Batman, your cape.’
Your home, like all homes, has an extra light switch that appears to do nothing when flipped. Nevertheless, you pass many idle hours curiously flipping it up and down. Far away, enormous dressage horses spawn out of thin air in my kitchen. Stop flipping the horse switch. Please.
If I was a kitty, I would smack you off the table.
A hearse was in front of me in the drive through lane at a burger joint. I have questions.
That’s me in the corner, that’s me in the spotlight,
Begging for my cat’s attention
My mother-in-law said that we should stay an extra day if it’s too snowy to drive.
SOMEONE LEND ME A SALT TRUCK.
Parkour or plastic? *bounces away with your groceries*
[things I worry about on vacation]
1) Getting eaten by a shark
2) Worrying that I didn’t get eaten by a shark because it assumed I tasted funny
WIFE: please come out of there so we can talk
ME: [from cardboard box] i’m sorry come out of where?
WIFE: [sigh] please exit the spacecraft
Him: Can you believe what’s going on in Egypt?
Me: Yeah…it’s crazy…I gotta go. Bye.
Me: *googles what’s happening in Egypt?*
Who’s soul do I have to sell in order for my eyeliner to come out even on both eyes?
I have to stop watching TV with my kids. I keep comparing my dates to Bluey’s dad and nobody measures up.
BREAKING: Epstein autopsy reveals his teeth had become piano keys, consistent with death by piano drop
i know walt disney is sweating in his grave watching a yellow sponge slowly replace mickey mouse as the most iconic cartoon figure
Dog owners be like this is Spike he’s a purebred pedigree worth $13 000 and cat owners be like this is Lord Theodore Willis The Third he’s orange and we found him in an alley
I refuse to dismiss Thanksgiving. Any holiday dedicated to food & stretchy pants is worth celebrating.
Ordered a new piece of furniture that said ‘some assembly required.’ They delivered a tree stump with a note that said good luck.
Ovenable?
I’m so used to sleeping on my right side that if I switch to my left, my insides feel like a room full of furniture trying to violently escape a haunted house.
gas pump: do you want a receipt? Y/N
me: *presses yes*
gas pump:
me: *pressing harder* YES
gas pump: lol nope
professor X: what’s your power?
me:
professor X: wow, me too, you’re in.
[funeral]
minister: *makes hilarious joke during eulogy*
guy in casket: i am literally dead
*wakes up*
*frantically searches the bed for the donut I was eating in my dream*
8 yr old: Mom, what do you want to be?
Me: Single, living in Bahamas, no kids, maybe operate a little dive shop, driv–
8: I mean for Halloween
Me: Oh, I don’t know I haven’t really thought about it
neil armstrong: i’ll take that for you
neil armweak: can you carry this?
When you order 20 bananas and end up with 20 *bunches*…
I grew up living paycheck to paycheck , but through hard work and perseverance i now live direct deposit to direct deposit.
I can’t imagine the things this hotel air conditioner has seen.
Jack Black is trending? Hey if it’s 1998 again maybe I can fix some mistakes