You can blame those “meddling kids” all you want. But let’s face it. Your entire plan was to dress up like a ghost.
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If life sucks, take a straw and you suck too
*approaches a girl, tips hat* M’lady.
*approaches a material girl, tips hat* M’donna.
[rubs magic lamp]
GENIE: You get 3 wishes
“Anything?”
GENIE: No wishin for more wishes
“I wish for more genies”
GENIE: I don’t like you
I’m eating quinoa for lunch so I better wake up skinny tomorrow because I’m not doing this again
What if, instead of candy we give out things we no longer want, like a scratched up non-stick pan
“I literally died.” – white girls in heaven.
DATE: *sighs* You said you were a professional body builder.
ME: I am! I make prosthetics. Ha ha! And funny jokes! Wait where are you going?
Dear diary,
Sorry for only ever talking about myself. How are you? Do you have any hobbies?
if HBO wants me to watch a Game Of Thrones spin off I want a personal apology for season 8. 12 pt font, double spaced, no funny business on the margins
be careful if you wear the same clothes everyday you’ll turn into a cartoon character
Do not stop by my house unexpectedly then act surprised when I answer the door in my underwear eating baked beans straight from the can.
I’ll kiss a close talker just to teach them a lesson.
Genie: last wish
Me: I wish I could fly
*poof*
Me: *in line holding an economy class ticket to Tulsa* SONOFA…
[awkward silence while i drive my date home] in my defense some places let you draw on the menu
It wasn’t no corona till y’all started balancing brooms in the house, y’all let the devil in
My 2 year old woke up.
5 minutes of “Mommy!”
5 minutes of “Mommy?”
Said “Daddy?” one time & my wife said, “You should go check on her”.
*takes the high road
*gets a DUI
I never answer my door because it’s always someone trying to get me to switch to Verizon or someone trying to get me to switch to God and I’m not interested in either of those services
A priest, a pastor and a rabbit entered a clinic to donate blood. The nurse asked the rabbit: “what’s your blood type?”
“I’m probably a type O”, said the rabbit.
In Europe, her milkshake brings all the boys to the meter.
I’m not saying my wife orders a lot from Amazon but one of their drivers sent us a wedding invitation.
INTERVIEWER: Tell me one of your weaknesses.
ME: I sometimes mistake professional behavior for flirting.
INTERVIEWER: There is zero chance we’d ever hire someone with that issue.
ME: Listen, I’m flattered, but I’m married.
what it’s like dating me:
[Date rolls over in bed & gasps in horror]
Me: [In nothing, with pantyhose over my head] Did you know the average person swallows 8 spiders a year in their sleep?
Dude is texting with a flip phone, just like George Washington did
[submarine]
captain: why can’t we submerge?!
stowaway jesus: lol
God: [making trees]
Trees: yay
God: [making beavers]
Trees: nonononono
Hey where’s Brian?
“Oh he’s taking a p_ _p”
A what?
“Um dropping a d_ _c_”
Huh?
“Taking a sh_t….Uhh Cr_p!”
Oh! He’s evacuating his vowels?
they say you swallow 8 spiders each year, but what they don’t tell you is that it hits harder if you crush and then snort them
* asks plastic surgeon
” can you make me look like this Snapchat filter minus the crown of flowers?”