I forgot all the Spanish I learned as a high school señor.
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Told my kids I loved them at carpool and no one responded so I yelled, “I love you too!” while hanging out of the sunroof.
Me, 1
Kids, 0
Cashier at grocery store, “HI THERE! ARE WE HAVING A GOOD MORNING?”
Me, “Please…I have a family.”
Mother’s Day is just an another made up holiday so the government can sell you more mothers
All the single ladies. All the single ladies. All the single ladies. Now put your hands up! Lol. But seriously, ladies. This is a robbery.
Why is it called drunk texting and not ex-communicated?
6: *putting on costume* ok, I’m the superhero! Who wants to be my sidekick, and who’s going to be the bad guy?
Mum: No! It’s bedtime, put your PJs on please!
6:….. alright, so mum’s the bad guy!
Sorry I ate your baby but you shouldn’t have wrapped it like a burrito.
Canadian Army training is 6 weeks of learning how to throw a snowball.
I heard from someone in the know that every bank is going to collapse this week and we should all go to the banks at the same time and get all of our money out
The door to door bible people just skipped my house! See, all it takes is trying to kiss the guy and he wont be back (until 3am)
[first day as a private investigator]
Boss: you’re late
Me: I couldn’t find the building
“It’s not you, it’s me.” – Humidity, to Heat
“turn your passion into a career” my passion is not working
The way my dog maintains eye contact while taking a dump is unsettling. Can’t he read a magazine like a normal dog?
I’ve discovered I own five umbrellas, if anyone wants to stage a musical number.
[washing my hands in the blood of my enemies] *counting to 20 in my head*
i’ll take the “hell yes assorted cheese” please
(Teaching my kid about screwdrivers)
Remember: righty tighty, lefty loosey.
That’s it now the vodka’s open get the orange juice.
Show me in the employee handbook where it says I can’t wear a blanket to work
Made a weird face in the mirror this morning and I looked like Ted Cruz. This is my suicide note.
I’m at my most Alzheimer’s when Billy is that you?
MARIE ANTIONETTE: The peasants don’t have bread? Let them eat cake.
MY ANCESTOR, wiping cake and bread crumbs off his tunic: So, funny story, Queen…
I love when you stroke my ego.
My ego is inside my panties.
me: congrats on running that marathon.
her: thanks. I’m still sore.
me: because you didn’t win?
her:
your dad isn’t a dad yet until he stands in your living room for 15 minutes straight (instead of leaving) saying “this movie is so stupid” while you’re watching Mamma Mia
Polar Bear: AHHHHHHHH.
God: please stop screaming.
Polar Bear: but I’m a ghost bear!
God: you aren’t a ghost bear.
Polar Bear: are you sure?
God: that’s just how you look.
Polar Bear: oh. ok.
[Swan flies by]
God: AHHHHH GHOST DUCK!
“Oh, hey! I didn’t even recognize you!” means “I saw you and tried to avoid you, but here you are.”
The rules of the universe clearly state – to find the cup of coffee you were drinking, you must first pour yourself a new cup of coffee.
Me: [travels back in time but dies in the vacuum of space because I forgot to account for the earth’s orbit] ope!
“You can’t scare me, you’re not my wife who I left on read for 2 hours”
– my husband right now, probably