Me – When did we get a porch light?
Wife – OK, drink time is over.
Me – Why?
Wife – That’s the moon.
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Netflix just suggested I get up and walk around before I develop a blood clot.
[5:00 AM, in a harsh whisper]
Daddy, don’t worry, you can sleep. I’m making my own breakfast, how do you turn on the stove?
Me: I’m up.
Imagine how excruciating a conversation between Hodor, Groot, and Timmy from South Park would be.
*after five days of storms with record rainfall remembers to turn off sprinkler system*
*grass dies due to lack of water*
Now tell me how old your baby is in HOURS.
Paid rent so I’ll be at home enjoying my purchase for the rest of the week.
Me: ahahah say it again
The robot I built because I have no friends: hamborgers
Me: lmfao it’s hamburgers, you idiot
The robot I built that no longer wants to be friends with me:
Me: HAMBORGER LMAO
I wish this was real life…
My brain knows that there’s a guy doing work on my roof today, but my nervous system keeps acting like the house is under attack.
*gets coronavirus* but that’s impossible i have toilet paper
Doctor: How did you get this black eye?
Me: Walked into a door
Doc: Really?
Me: I was using my phone lying down and dropped it on my face
I’m not scared of clowns, I’m scared of the man who chooses to become one.
me, speaking to my daughter’s class on the importance of eating your vitamins: one time i got lost in the forest for so long i dropped dead & a sheepdog ate my carcass.
some smart aleck kid: if you died then how are you here right now?
me: {i look him square in the eyes} vitamins
Stop being friends with whoever says you can’t twerk to Led Zeppelin.
You don’t need that negativity in your life.
Ghostbusters commercial: who you gonna call?
Ghost haunting me: [looks at me nervously]
Me: lmao like you’re scarier than a phone call
Lose something? Need help? Call 1-800-MOM & a team of moms will be deployed to you to ask you “Well, did you look?”Or “did you look-look?”
My billionaire can beat up your billionaire.
Kevin didn’t know how much longer he could fake laugh at Linda’s dumb jokes, but he did know he didn’t want to be glue.
“I’ve got a couple of ideas I wanna run by you this afternoon,” my coworker threatened
CAUTION : THE ROADS ARE SO DANGEROUS RIGHT NOW UNLESS YOU WANNA GO GET ME SOME BAGELS, THEN THEY ARE FINE
Sorry I’m late. I sneezed while my mascara was still wet.
Girl are you the burning bush?
Cuz you’re hot. And there’s no conceivable reason you should be talking to me.
It’s so easy getting women wet, it’s refilling my bucket back up with water quickly enough I find challenging.
I think all the cats in my neighborhood have started a gang. I’ve been seeing a lot of mouse related graffiti lately.
My vet just texted me and asked for me to bring a sample of my cats “first pee of the morning” to her appointment tomorrow and I just have…so many questions. First of all: how. Second…what is morning to a cat??? Cats just..sleep whenever???
A wise man once told me, “Are you even listening?”
My GF just passed the Bar. Not only will I be a stay at home Dad Im suing everyone.
pretty weird how criminals don’t want their crimes investigated, what’s up with that
4yo: I had a dream about u mommy
Me: I feel so special
4yo: I flushed u down the toilet